Monday, July 14, 2008

This was a wonderful weekend. Nothing in particular happened other than a lot of study time . I got to have lunch with my girlfriends yesterday while Joe went golfing. He grilled some chicken breasts last night with the goal of having some left over so I can have a hot dinner before class tonight. We snuggled on the couch like lovers while watching TV later than we should have, but we just weren't ready to end the day I think. We moved the cuddling into the bedroom and eventually fell asleep, his unique and masculine scent lulling, his arm warm and snug around my waist, my eyelids heavy, heart drunk with love for him.

I have an exam tonight and my eyes tear up every time I think about it. Its silly. I know its silly. But there are times when I get really honest that I admit to myself how badly I want to accomplish this and how frightened I am that my early mistakes in college will keep me from it. I mean, I failed Computer Keyboarding people. How do you fail Computer Keyboarding and then go on to work as a medical transcriptionist? How do you fail Intro to Computers...TWICE. You party a lot, that's how. You hate school and your parents for making you go. And you refuse to comply until people just give up on you. At that age there is no way to tell what you might want someday for your own self. The stupidity of youth, always assuming you will always stay young, that people will always and forever be trying to dictate to you, so you stretch and squirm and struggle to make them let go, only to realize with breathless panic that there is nothing but self on the other side of that struggle. I feel as if I hover over and empty space and if I stop flapping my wings I will fall. I forget so easily that I have already landed somewhere safe and this is a voluntary journey now, not one catapulted into out of angst, but a choice based on quality of life decisions. I just want it so bad and fear not getting it so much. One of my best friends is a nurse, and she tells me frequently and in strongly worded ways how my personality and life experiences will make me successful in that profession, and I believe her, my own inner voice having whispered the same things. She tells me stories of her work day and I feel an inner yearning, almost the same feeling I would get as a teenager when I looked at a boy I had a crush on but knew would never want me. I am in love with nursing and afraid I will never be worth of it. It makes it hard to focus and hard to have faith in myself. I have an exam tonight and a lab practical Wednesday night. Pray for me.

I have been missing Joseph so much, feeling his absence so much more the past week than I have been. I try to stay within that feeling, to not struggle to bury it nor to make it some big production of grief, but to just let the sadness stay along with the other things. I want to say I think I am figuring this out, but its not something to figure out as much as accept. I think I am growing a little more accepting, both of the times when he and his death are with me and also the times when I need to put it away and not think about it for a while. There is more sadness but less guilt. I think the guilt is more destructive than the sorrow. I miss him. I hate what happened to him.

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