Monday, July 21, 2008

I return to see Jordan today. It will be the first dose of EMDR, a treatment known to be effective 85-90% of the time against post-traumatic stress disorder. To say I am skeptical would be an understatement. To say I am dreading it would be even moreso. It involves thinking deeply about a traumatic memory while different stimuli is applied to the body and senses with the goal of re-routing where in the brain the memory is stored, to in essence reprogram it for a different, lesser spot on the emotional scale. I am frightened of this. I have never purposefully sat and remembered things we went through together, only ever been caught up in the spontaneous memory of them, only ever claimed by them and left helpless. To voluntarily go into that room is in my mind akin to voluntarily walking back into a nightmare. Its just impossible for anyone who has not lived it to guess at the things we saw and lived through, parent to child. I am scared. I feel like I just got some equilibrium simply talking to the counselor, doing a little bit of meditating and through guidance and understanding from Joe and other important people in my life. Its hard not to keep running from it. Supposedly the treatment will leave the memory less powerful and more peaceful. Not take it away, just lessen the violence of it, help re-categorize its disturbing nature. Given how little I believe in things beyond the scientific when it comes to medicine, its no wonder really I am afraid. I am afraid I will go through something truly horrifying and there will be no remedy at the end, no payout from doing it. I know from when it takes me unawares how breathtakingly debilitating those memories are.

Joe and I talked a lot about nursing school over the weekend. To say he is on board with me is such an understatement. He could have so easily found someone whose stage in life was closer to his own, whose location was closer to his family, whose financial standing was independent, who didn't need the kind of support I do, who didn't come with the kind of baggage that I do (loss of a child, child with a brain tumor, etc). That he did this voluntarily and whole heartedly makes me feel so blessed. I know enough about myself to know I would be okay without him. But I also know enough to know I am so much happier with him. He is going up to Ohio/Indiana for a few days at the end of August to see his new grandbaby, who could be born any time now and to visit Drew, the grandson he already has as well as to see his children. Its the first week of school when he is going, so I won't be able to go with him this time. I am glad he is getting to go visit. I will probably do tons of girl stuff while he is gone.

I get my lab practical back tonight. I can't wait to see my grade.

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