Tuesday, July 8, 2008

So, tonight I go back to see Jordan, my cosmic new age therapist. I probably should not poke fun given that I am the sad soul paying money to get his help, eh? Its been an interesting week. We are probably two or three sessions away before we start the EMDR he says, just because of the volume of life changing events that have happened in the last five years. I have to bring to him a written history dating back to when I married Stewart tonight and had to watch a couple of videos on conscious living.

I have been doing good at just stopping myself when I feel something and trying to take note of how my body feels. I am, frankly, numb in a lot of places. I had no idea. I can't feel certain parts of me at all in terms of whether muscles are tight or heavy. I have no awareness of large chunks of my body. I feel my chest in the heart area a lot. I feel behind my eyes and in my nasal passages and I feel my neck and occasionally my shoulders. But even these small awarenesses make me really think about the emotion I am having and make me more able to self-sooth, though I am not sure that is really the goal. I suspect I am supposed to more get to a place of ethereal acceptance, a place where no self soothing is necessary because nothing is "bad" or "good", it just "is". Which makes as much sense to someone like me as it would if you stood on your head and talked to me in Swahili. I kind want to smile politely, bob my head while backing away slowly and planning my escape route. Which I think is probably telling me to be honest that this is where I need to be. I NEED to be a little uncomfortable in order to move forward I suspect.

I feel like I have been getting over irritations and such a lot faster over the past week. I still feel them, but somehow having noted, even for just a few moments, the way they make my body feel physically I find not long later I kind of realize the feeling went away without me realizing it and definitely without me fertilizing and growing it. My the gardens that have taken root in my psyche in times past. All thorns and brambles and very few peaceful meadows. Joe and I had a wonderful weekend together, so peaceful, contented, happy. He had a birthday and got to go golfing and I really just delved into something I don't get to do a lot...housework, cooking, being alone, thinking. I love being home alone and doing domestic things with the anticipation of my family to return to somewhere warm, safe, welcoming, fragrant. It fulfills me on a level that probably seems very unemancipated to some. It would not be enough all by itself I suspect, but when I don't get it, the more achieving parts of my life are not enough either. I love to nurture those I love. So, for his birthday, I got him flowers and put them out, put out the little card I got him and made him a cake from scratch and this fussy Martha Stewart Grand Marnier Buttercream Frosting for it. He seemed so happy when he got home and we just really got wonderful intimate time together, talking and talking, me watching him smile. He's not gotten to golf very much since moving here and he hooked up with a good trio by chance as a walk-on that day. The energy and light in his eyes made me happy too.

Interestingly, learning all this introspection about how my body feels has lead me to realizing that I feel like utter crap a lot of the time, particularly in my stomach area. And certain foods I start to actually get a little afraid of eating, specifically simple carbs. The after effects of indulging in simple carbohydrates is dramatic. Plenty of mental and physical fatigue, lethargy, bloating, cramping, gas (Yes, I know, looking at my tender face makes it hard to imagine such a fragile butterfly could ever float a biscuit. I shock even myself at times). So, for the last two days I have just not wanted them. Cut them out completely. I don't feel better yet, but we'll see what comes. Maybe it is something else making me feel yucky but cutting out the garbage like bread, cake, brownies, potatoe chips, white rice is a good place to start.

So basically I am trying hard to just roll with it. All I can say is, its only been a week and I am feeling more accepting of my life. That right there is huge. The very idea of accepting my life the way it is causes me great anxiety. I am practicing just talking to myself gently and saying its okay to be anxious. Almost like there are two "me"s in here. One lost and broken and griefstricken and scared...the other calm, capable, strong, guiding. The two halves of what Joseph's ordeal has made of me I guess.

On a lighter note, we dissected a cow eyeball last night. Nothing like something staring you in the face as you stab at it with a scalpel. They were stored in a big white bucket, as if it were plaster. Or paint. Bucket-o-eyeballs. I was careful not to drop it. And then how to choose? Do I take the glossy gray one with plenty of globulated fat at the back? or the more opaque black one that seems to have been cleaned with a bit more tenderness? Oh joy.

Good news is, I got a 104 on my quiz last night. Bad news is I have a quiz on eyeballs on Wednesday night. Then I have a lab report due on Monday night, a quiz in lab on Monday night, an exam in lecture on Monday night and a lab practical (exam) on Wednesday night. *twitch*

I'll update more after my ethereal visit to another land later today.

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