Friday, January 15, 2010

Hard and Scary

I wanted this so badly and I worked so tenaciously to have it. Since Joseph died, nothing has occupied my thoughts more than this goal. And now that it is here and I have been accepted, now that I start nursing school next week, I feel almost paralyzed inside. I have images through my head like a slideshow, full of hope, full of memories and full of hesitation. I have lived enough between the day of Joseph's death and now to know this dream is not going to erase the pain of his loss nor heal the place where he lives in my heart. But when he first died, I grieved as much leaving the hospital atmosphere, the identity I had created for myself there. I was a caregiver. I worked the IV pump and did things for Joseph that would be distasteful to others and I came to feel very very good about doing those things, because it meant I was doing SOMETHING. Letting go of that identity was hard. I am coming back to it now with real training, real dedication. I am coming back to it as a choice and in doing so, choosing to do it for someone (many someones actually) other than my child. For strangers. And I am so humbled by being able to make that choice, so dedicated and happy that I have earned this opportunity. I want it so badly and I am so full of fear. Already this experience is so different from my previous ones in college. I am used to working full time and taking once class at a time. I have reversed that now; full time school, 6 hours of work per week and so much reading and things to learn. How will I not hurt people? How will I ever know everything I need to know? How will I ever pass?

I want to do well. I want to succeed. I want this more than I have ever wanted anything. I feel it down into my soul and I am so blessed that I have a true calling. Please, please let me be up to this challenge. Let me use the memories and gentle hauntings for inspiration and not debilitation. Let me assimilate all I know of the "other side", the patient's side, the family member's side to be the best nurse that is in me to be. Let me settle my mind and minimize mistakes. Let me learn to focus myself, to keep my own goals in mind as I choose how to spend my time. Let me fly.

Sunday, January 10, 2010


I have got nothing on my mind.
Nothing to remember.
Nothing to forget.
And I have got nothing to regret.
But I am all tied up on the inside
and no one knows quite what I have got.
And I know that on the outside
what I used to be, I'm not

You know, I have heard about people like me
but I never made the connection.
They walk one road to set them free
and find they have gone the wrong direction.
But there is no need for turning back
because all roads lead to where I stand,
And I believe I'll walk them all
No matter what I may have planned.

Can you remember who I was?
Can you still feel it?
Can you find my pain?
Can you heal it?
Then lay your hands upon me now
Cast this darkness from my soul.
You alone can light my way
You alone can make me whole
once again.

We've walked both sides of every street
through all kinds of windy weather
but that was never our defeat
as long as we could walk together.
So there is no need for turning back
'cause all roads lead to where we stand
and I believe we'll walk them all
no matter what we may have planned. - Don McLean

I love you Joseph, angel from your birth to me, three years as one in Heaven today. I'm still breathing, still going on, still remembering you. You made me thankful for my life, for those I love and most of all, thankful for the time I had with you.

Always and Forever,