Saturday, July 19, 2008

I shouldn't be awake, but alas, I am. The coffee is brewing and my lover is tucked into high thread count sheets, warm and inviting as Mexico in winter time and the house is quiet and my own for a short while. I wish I could stay asleep past 7:30 but I pretty much have to be sick to do that. I am just not hard wired for sleeping the day away, no matter what time I go to bed. I have always felt that is rather an advantage, except when one has night owls for friends and the party is just getting warmed up when you leave!

It was a fun party though. I truly enjoy the eclectic mixture of people I hang out with. Greg introduced us to his new girl, Cindy, last night and hosted a group of us in his home to celebrate life being good. I can think of no better reason to get together with friends. We are a rather interesting mix of people, folks who are very left brained in nature but who have very right brained pursuits for leisure. After a meal was shared and we found out we are truly sad at the video game Rock Star (I think someone might have called the cops...not really, but I kept picturing them arriving), Greg broke out the Hookah and Alan broke out his spanish guitar. Joel played drum and Heather sang, Becca and I cuddled like puppies and all was right with the world for a few hours. I can think of no better way to spend a Friday night. I got over my shyness relatively quickly last night. I love it when I get my head on right, stop worrying about my weight and whether people think I am ugly and worry instead about letting people know in my softness and smiles that I savor them. It always comes back to reward me with the sense of belonging and goodness, a feeling of being liked, cherished, blessed. When I remember that people in general mirror back to you what you project, I usually have a lot of fun. My head and heart were in the right place last night. I am grateful for the unique nature of my group of friends, for the creativity they inspire in me and for the easy affection that is always near the surface and ready to be tapped. The shyness that can rob me of pleasure just was not there last night and I am so glad for that. I hope to find increasing control over it and maybe put it away forever someday. It steals the good things about having people who care and emphasizes my solitude. Solitude has its place but I use it more as a shield than a tool.

Tahiya (my belly dance instructor and good friend) had a link in her blog yesterday to an article about the power of being silent. I really enjoyed reading it and intend to read it over again to garner more from it. It was the kind of thing that I felt like I could not absorb in just one reading. I have always valued silence in my home, probably a little too much. But one on one, between people, it makes me positively fretful and squirmish. I can be such an open door in terms of facial expression, emotion behind my eyes and the tendency to blurt. Silence makes me nervous. I need to learn to be less afraid of what people can see in me, especially when around friends. I need to learn to be okay with extended eye contact. It feels very brave to meet someone's eyes and hold it without anything being said. A soul to soul connection that feels so exposed and raw to me. What do I fear they will see? What do I avoid seeing in them?

Today is going to be pretty mundane. There's a lot of work to be done here in the house after an intense week of school that lead to a degree of neglect. Clutter everywhere. I need to put in some hours at work and definitely want to hit the gym. Whatever lull claimed me for about a week there, when I felt motivation slow and grow heavy, has disappeared. I am really wanting to be buying some new clothes in the fall and to fit into my favorite jeans by Christmas.

Have a great Saturday.

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