Tuesday, July 1, 2008

My urge to write is having a bit of a lull. So many things are going on in my head and heart over the last week.

School is going well. I have a very solid A average in the class. I got a 93 on the lab practical last week and a 93 on the lecture exam, and have nothing but 100s on my homework and lab quizes. I hope I can keep it up. Making an A in A&P will breathe renewed life into my drive to be a nurse.

I have decided to enlist the services of a grief counselor. I don't write about it much here, but it is becoming apparent I am trying too hard to ignore the anger and unresolved horror of Joseph's death. It is beginning to take form in my relationships and through various things at work and school. Joe is, as always, tremendously supportive and a driving force behind my ability to keep going. I am grateful. There are so many places I would have simply quit if not for him.

I am down 13 pounds now and the work outs are going well. I see more improvement in the way my clothing is fitting me than I am seeing on the scale, but honestly, right now my motivation stems more from the outlet exercise is for me than on the subsequent weight loss. We had a seminar here at work on stress management. They had a little "stress scale" questionaire for us to fill out. Anything over a 12 meant you are in serious trouble and need to seek help. I scored a 33. Mkay then. See the above paragraph about seeing a counselor. Joe researched and purchased a heavy punching bag for me this weekend and is going to get me some boxing gloves. He is working on hanging it up in the garage for me so that when I need to let off steam or figure out what I am feeling (it often is so insidious I don't even realize I am having issues) I can go out and pound the crap out of it. I am looking forward to that. It was such a sweet thing for him to do. He has taken the brunt of my maelstrom and its a miracle he sticks by me.

The counselor I am going to see specializes in something called EMDR and utilizes nondual wisdom, eastern medicine techniques and westernized knowledge to assist in overcoming posttraumatic stress, unresolved grief and the like. I like that it is a more goal oriented approach. I don't want to sit in front of someone detailing all the things that made me unhappy through my life for the next five years. I want to learn to live within what has happened and be a better person for it, but a whole person, a happy person, not a person who is desperately trying to force herself to move on. I like the sound of what he does, but at the same time I subscribed to his daily newsletter and its a lot of ethereal mumbo jumbo that I frankly don't see myself jumping on the bandwagon for. We'll see what happens. If he lays crystals on my breasts and tells me to inhale I am so outta there.

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