The rush is short lived when the success from one exam bumps up against the potential failure of another. Tonight is my first lab practical, which has proven in the past not to be my strongest testing format. We shall see how I do. I am full of anxiety, but am headed out momentarily to hit the gym, which will help a lot I am finding. Getting up early to hit the gym is not my favorite thing. I feel a lot right now like I am just never quite getting enough sleep. But I do crave the activity. I am amazed how much it is doing for my stress level and for the brittlest feelings of grief. I feel more pliant, more open to life. I do a fair amount of meditating, interestingly, which I work out. I also love to take my Zune and block out the entire world but for the feelings roiling through me. I am subject to fewer violent storms of grief these days and carrying around something more precious and pliant with me, something I can hold and not feel like it is damaging me. Joseph has been on my mind a lot. But so has the rest of my family. That probably does not make sense to anyone but the others who have grieved their child. It just can get so huge, there is no mental room for anything else. I feel like I am carrying it in my heart like a tender, aching warmth rather than being suffocated by the equivalent of an elephant sitting on me. I am struck often now how lovely the world is at this time of year and I feel gratitude. I smile in the car more than cry and find myself mulling almost absently and without effort on how lucky I am. Life is busy and I find myself missing the kids. They are busy with summertime activities and I am in a crunch semester that is shortened by 5 weeks due to it being in the summer, which means a lot of information in a short amount of time and lots of study time needed. I am not getting as much time wih them as I would like but the time I am getting with them is productive and precious. I hope the memories are building in them as they are for me.
The world shall have no concept of us one day. Within the next 150 years, which seems like such a short amount of time, we will all be gone, every last person here, even the ones born today. And those who come after shall possess this world with the same surety that we on the planet do now and argue their arguments, share in the hopes. I do not know why I bring this up other than that I am mystified and amazed by it.