Friday, June 13, 2008

I do not know how to communicate what has been going on in my head and heart over the last week. I am composing in my head constantly now, words that move me, send me soaring, but by the time I get to the computer fatigue has taken over and there is nothing left to write. It is as if I don't get it down at the moment of inspiration, it gets put out into the universe as energy rather than words.

So much is happening.

I returned to school Monday night. A&P I. This is going to be a rough class for me, I can tell already. There is so much information, though that is not really the biggest problem. The teacher announced if you do not make an A in A&P that the nursing schools will not even consider your application. That it gets thrown away. And he let us know he expects many of us to drop. Not exactly a positive spin on things. During lab so far he merely sits behind his desk and leaves us to work things out as a group for whatever we are doing, with no instructions at all. That would be fine if I were in the group next to me, who is boisterous, enthusiastic and knowledgable. In my group, three of the five of us just get up and leave stating they can do all that at home by themselves. It is frustrating and it is intimidating. Right now we are reviewing basic biochemistry and cellular biology. Not my strongest subjects. My brain just scrambles and I have to think very very hard to concentrate. The few things we are beginning to touch on with cellular mutations and contribution to disease just get my heart racing so hard. The tears come, the images in my head that I can only compare to what a flashback must be like and I am so aware of Joseph and all that went wrong in his body. It makes it hard to concentrate, hard to study and truly begins to make me question if this is the right path for me at this time. The time I had between semesters I felt so much more balanced and content inside myself. But I cannot tell if this is just me trying to avoid something that is difficult or if this is my brain trying to tell me to slow down.

Working out and eating better is going quite well. I am not dieting or limiting any foods, but I am eating less, eating better and exercising more. I am thrilled and gratified that this week marked a 10 pound weight loss in just four weeks, with what has felt like little to no deprivation and a very good quality of life. Going to the gym is becoming a habit. My clothes are fitting better and are far less tight on me. I can feel a difference in my muscles. It helps my moods a lot to be doing this.

I have so much more I want to say, but need to hit one of those creative pockets in order to say it correctly. Hopefully I will have time this weekend to get my soul exposed again.

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