The Gap by Michael Crenlinsten

Blogging has gotten pretty slow for me in the last week. Its been an intense one and I have written more in my head than I have here. It's been a rocky week. I don't want to go into great detail here, but suffice to say that some things are going to have to change in my mentality and how I am handling my life. I don't know yet all the ways that will manifest itself, but one thing is for certain. I have committed to certain things, such as doing well in school and getting healthy again, and those commitments are going to have to take a front seat rather than coming secondary to my grief and wallowing. I have been doing quite well in regards to eating more sensibly and actually making myself go to the gym and move my body. I went three times last week, four times this week and have penciled myself in for five next week. It feels good to do it and helps a lot with my mood swings and feelings of hopelessness. Joe and I had some go-arounds this week and I managed not to turn into a freaky bitch during all that, so I think there is progress being made. I have lost officially five pounds so far as of last Wednesday. My goal is more to be consistent right now than anything. To be mindful, of how I feel, of what I eat, of how the two are trying to affect one another. I have been eating like a girl again and I like that. I have done hard core low carbing (South Beach style) in the past but right now I am not going to forbid myself any particular food, just watch portions. So I have still been eating some yummy stuff and enjoying cooking a lot. Joe made me salmon on the grill the other night that just plain curled my toes it was so good. Last night he grilled us teriyaki chicken breasts and I made us bow tie pasta with olive oil, garlic, halved grape tomatoes and then tossed with fresh basil and parsley from our herb garden, served room temp. That was darn near orgasmic and a perfect summer side dish. I ate about 3/4 of my chicken, one portion of the pasta and we had spinach salad, also tossed with fresh herbs. I stopped eating just past not feeling hungry anymore, which is kind of my goal, to not let myself get stuffed full. I can make it a game in my head when I have my groove on (and the more I do it the easier that groove comes). I remind myself I will get to eat again today and can do so within a couple of hours if need be, so no need to stuff myself. Then I do let myself grab a snack when I need it. But I find more often than not its at least four hours before I feel hungry again. I am always amazed at the increase in leftovers and how much more time I have to get things done around the house, how much more energy. I got a lot done yesterday. Gym, floors, kitchen, Alexander's baseball game, a little trip to the store, laundry, a little cooking, the kids' bedding, even took a leisurely walk around the neighborhood after dinner, then watched a movie with Joe before bedtime. I slept great too. Its almost as if I create more hours in the day. Today I am headed outside to trim up the landscaping in front of the house and I need to get the bathrooms cleaned. Mom invited me to go see the new Sex in the City movie and I am having conundrums whether to eat movie popcorn, which is my favorite food on the planet. Maybe I will see if she will share a small one with me. I don't want to tell myself I can't have it at all, but I also don't need fistful upon fistful of it. The greatest pleasure is usually in those first few bites. I posted pictures from the cemetery on Joseph's birthday, and then some of the garden, which Joe has absolutely rocked the world on this year. It looks terrific. The tomato plants are just heavy with fruit, as are the peppers. I am adoring the herb garden, which is really starting to take off. Soon we will have all the herbs we want. We really missed the fresh basil over the winter. Now we have cilantro, basil (three plants), Italian parsley, chives (LOTS), oregano and rosemary. We are trying to get sage and some other stuff going, but are doing it by seeds and that, of course, takes time. They are coming up but are very small and its not clear yet how they will do. Maybe in time for fall? Joe also has the yard starting to look just luscious and green. The lawn was just a disaster when we moved in, as was the landscaping, and we just went ahead and killed off half the yard completely. He has been coaxing grass in and its going to be gorgeous once the bald patches have filled in. I love our home.