Monday, October 15, 2007

The ups and downs continue. I feel so helpless to them and baffled by them. How I can now be having a perfectly beautiful day and yet in the time it takes to make a quick drive to the store and back I can think Joseph's name and tears start to fall...yet the feeling of it being a beautiful day not at all change inside me, and then I just put it away when I get home and go back to whatever I was doing. Its a lonely feeling, but appropriate. The intensity with which I am starting to miss him grows under my skin and heart and into my limbs, so much a part of me now that I cannot separate it out even from good and bad moods, happy and sad days. It is just always residing in me, something I can touch, palpate, breath in tandem with. I yearn and ache. And yet I am happier in a general sense than I have been in a long time. I have to wonder if it is merely a matter of what I pay attention to...the pain or the goodness. If I walk around constantly conscious of Joseph's absence and my loss of him I quickly get debilitated. But I am no longer at the point that I have to just pretend it has gone away for a while for me to do okay now. I can carry it with me and feel it and still be having a pretty good day. I do think it affects me somewhat still. I find myself frequently saying things all wrong or transposing words when I try to communicate sometimes, particularly when I am tired or stressed. It has its place and takes up space.

Work is going well. School has not been enough of a priority to me and I need to buckle down and make sure I am not neglecting that. It is nice not having it be so focal but striking the balance between not focal yet not forgotten can be a challenge for me. I don't think it would be good for me to be a full time student and yet trying to work at this time. Hopefully that will come together as I grow closer, in a year or two, to applying for nursing school.

Joe has booked us for a five day cruise to Mexico in early February and I am looking forward that, just after all these anniversaries to come. I hope that will give me something else to focus on and look forward toward.

Nick and Alex are doing great and are looking forward to Halloween in their new neighborhood.

1 comment:

Karla W. said...

Ahhh, those quiet moments. They're sneaky aren't they? My husband doesn't get it...he doesn't understand why I've needed to fill nearly every moment with busy stuff...blogging, sewing, cooking, riding the bike, going to the park, etc.

Sam finished chemo April first(I try really hard to not read too much into that date). I went back to work in May. Leaving daily to work was one of the hardest things I've had to do. It just seemed like such a waist of time since she could relapse at anytime. It was that fear, unknown, and loss of what I wanted her first year of life to be like that really just crept in during those quiet moments.

As I read your blog I am amazed by your strength and honesty.