The ups and downs continue. I feel so helpless to them and baffled by them. How I can now be having a perfectly beautiful day and yet in the time it takes to make a quick drive to the store and back I can think Joseph's name and tears start to fall...yet the feeling of it being a beautiful day not at all change inside me, and then I just put it away when I get home and go back to whatever I was doing. Its a lonely feeling, but appropriate. The intensity with which I am starting to miss him grows under my skin and heart and into my limbs, so much a part of me now that I cannot separate it out even from good and bad moods, happy and sad days. It is just always residing in me, something I can touch, palpate, breath in tandem with. I yearn and ache. And yet I am happier in a general sense than I have been in a long time. I have to wonder if it is merely a matter of what I pay attention to...the pain or the goodness. If I walk around constantly conscious of Joseph's absence and my loss of him I quickly get debilitated. But I am no longer at the point that I have to just pretend it has gone away for a while for me to do okay now. I can carry it with me and feel it and still be having a pretty good day. I do think it affects me somewhat still. I find myself frequently saying things all wrong or transposing words when I try to communicate sometimes, particularly when I am tired or stressed. It has its place and takes up space.
Work is going well. School has not been enough of a priority to me and I need to buckle down and make sure I am not neglecting that. It is nice not having it be so focal but striking the balance between not focal yet not forgotten can be a challenge for me. I don't think it would be good for me to be a full time student and yet trying to work at this time. Hopefully that will come together as I grow closer, in a year or two, to applying for nursing school.
Joe has booked us for a five day cruise to Mexico in early February and I am looking forward that, just after all these anniversaries to come. I hope that will give me something else to focus on and look forward toward.
Nick and Alex are doing great and are looking forward to Halloween in their new neighborhood.