Its been hard the last few days on so many levels for Stewart and I both. He went to the cemetery this weekend and put halloween decorations on his grave. Just typing that out makes me stop breathing with fury and sorrow. On his GRAVE. I cannot describe the depth of feeling that brings to me. The convoluted and conflicting emotions. The memories of his suffering through the ATG, the horror that day was and how I could not imagine anything worse...until he began to go downhill, until the day we had to decide to disconnect his oscillator and accept that Joseph was gone...to watch him leave. So much suffering. I wish so much things had turned out differently.
On this day last year Joseph recieved his bone marrow transplant, umbilical cord blood banked by a family whose child was born four years ago. I thank that family for the hope their donation gave to us and wish that hope had come to fruition.
People are starting to talk about the holidays already. I want to put my hands over my ears. I know we will purchase whatever we would have for Joseph and donate it to Child Life at Medical City. And it will hurt.