Wednesday, January 7, 2009

A whole lot of nothingness

I just feel so scattered and lost right now. I have long moments when I am not so much overwhelmed with pain as I am a sense of incredulity and a feeling of seeing the world through a Coke bottle. Things are fuzzy until right up close and then seem out of context because I wasn't paying attention. My motivation at work is down; things are slow, looks like lay-offs might be coming in the future. Combined with a sense of "why should this matter, my son is dead" and its difficult to lift myself up. I am finding myself to feel very antisocial right now. I love to see people and smile at them, but I don't want to talk. I especially don't want to make small talk. And right in the middle of a conversation I find I am suddenly ready to be done with it. Its a little bit of regression into the time period just after he died it feels like. A sense of "why does ANY of this matter?!". All the doom and gloom on the news about the economy doesn't help. I feel like life is just barely balanced on the edge of a cliff in all directions.

I find myself madly scanning the Internet for something to look forward to or at least preoccupy my mind, to keep the images and memories at bay. I have taken about 100 cruises today alone, at least if looking at pictures and living vicariously were to count. I want warmth and tropics and sun on my skin. I want to breathe in and breathe out and see the vast forever nature of the ocean and know that the universe wastes nothing, that nothing and yet everything is forever, and that all I am truly responsible for is today, not the yesterday I cannot change, not the tomorrow I cannot see.

School starts on the 20th. I signed up for the A&P II class that I dropped last semester. I don't have strong emotions about it one way or another. I am doing it because I said I would and hoping somewhere in the value of that I re-find my motivation. But my strong leaning now is driving me away from nursing, and I feel confused and off center from it and more than a little frightened. I just feel like I am swimming against the tide trying to do this. I found out an old professor of mine continues to teach at a different branch of the college I am attending, the one responsible for my finding my voice in words, the one whom I flirted with and visited and with whom I had this interesting, friendly, challenging relationship with. He saw things in me that I was too young to understand and in doing so, opened doors to my mind that probably would not have been otherwise. He is teaching English still and now philosophy as well. And one of his classes he is teaching is Comparative Religion. Its all reading and writing and sounds so vastly interesting and perfect. I find myself yearning deeply to take the course, but I don't really see it as fair to my family for three out of seven days of the week to be taken up with my schooling, another two or so days a week taken up with the boys' activities and maybe just one day a week available to Joe and I to be alone together. The course would not even apply to a nursing degree. It would purely be for my own enjoyment. Its been so long since I took a non-science related course, since I took a course that falls into the natural realm of my talents and the way my mind works. I don't remember what it feels like for a course to be more stimulating on a creative level rather than rote scientific memorization, and it makes me curious. I am famous though for doing the "grass is greener" thing, so I am staying my current course. If I get through my pre-requisites and still want to do other things, I know I can. I just need to finish what I have started here.

I just feel so....empty. So nothing. When I am with people I want to be away from them. When I am alone I am lonely and want some company. Its like being a toddler again. I want everything and nothing. Put me down. Pick me up. I am tired. I don't want to go to bed. I want peas. Why would you give me those stupid round green things?

I have the realtor coming on Saturday morning to see the new bathroom, discuss putting the house on the market and to go out and see a few properties. I am questioning the wisdom of scheduling it for that day, but what I remember most about last year is prowling the house with nothing to occupy my mind but bad memories, a feeling of waiting for something that I didn't know what. And it only got better when Joe took me to the mall to buy a new dress for the cruise we were going on. So I am going to try this. If it is bad, it won't last all day and I can fall apart afterward. Or prowl. Or go to a movie alone or to the cemetery or whatever I need to do. I guess.

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