Friday, January 16, 2009

Touching my past

Things are going okay. After the shock settled down, Joe and I have come together peacefully and with optimism. He has a few leads in the market place and though we know it will take some time, we (he in particular really) have planned for this and lived our lives rather frugally. We enjoy a standard of living that puts us well below our means - we pay cash for cars, have no credit card debt and were careful not to become house poor when we purchased our home. That being said, eating into savings and future retirement is never fun. I have had bouts of anxiety, but they mainly focus around Joe and my worries on how he is going to cope with this as time extends. I do believe being out of work is a hard thing for anyone, but particularly for men who value providership the way that Joe does.

We have plans to go to a Middle Eastern restaurant on Saturday night with a group of friends. The food there is quite good, as are the belly dancers and after 9 PM they bring on a DJ and open the dance floor to everyone. I had the fun of going consignment shopping with my girlfriends this past Sunday and found a green and black sheer tunic that has a definite arabian flavor to it and looks gorgeous with the emeralds that Joe got me for Christmas.

We are going to continue working on the house as if we are getting it ready to sell. The improvements need to be made irregardless and if life smiles on us and he finds something right away we can pick up where we left off in terms of selling.

I have been finding a lot of old friends on Facebook these days. It is always interesting to see where people are now, what they have done with their lives. We are all still young enough to look like ourselves it would seem. It is interesting that I can remember back to that awkward time and still feel crush-like emotions for the guy I thought I was in love with back then, that people who hurt me then still make me cautious now, that watching what others have accomplished and achieved really makes me question myself and what I have done with my life. It bothers me that I have never been overseas, other than Hawaii. I am amazed that I feel a happy school loyalty and that talking to others who grew up when I did, despite all the above emotions, makes me feel giddy and somehow validated inside. Seeing their pictures of that time period makes me laugh. We never thought the world would change, or at least I didn't. But it did. I am better now than I was then. I know myself. I have confidence. I am not the angry mouse of a girl who I was before, defensive and insecure and I am glad for that. I get embarassed when I think of people remembering me that way. I was unhappy in school, having serious problems in a violent home, not at all an attentive student and not particularly pretty. I felt scrutinized and judged from every person and every angle. I know better now. If only somehow we could teach kids that most other kids are too busy worrying about what everyone else is thinking to actually be thinking anything about anyone else.

I am not sure the purpose behind my push to rediscover people who knew me in the past and I don't know if it is particularly healthy or not. Maybe it is, going back and mentally working through all those little emotions that linger, the insecurities, the self perception of being worthless and ugly and how I would interpret everyone's reactions to me from under that dark veil. I imagine some time in the future I may even be willing to go to a reunion of some kind. I am glad to see people thriving, sad to hear of some of us having died already. I have felt so separate from those years and my grown up ones. It is a good feeling to stitch the two together somewhat. Almost as if I go back and comfort that depressed and angry young girl with the calmer, more knowledgable woman I am now.

1 comment:

karengberger said...

Dear Friend, I'm so glad that you enabled comments here.
I am not as open to revisiting high school relationships as you are. Maybe it's because I am older, or because I, too, felt like a misfit, at times (though I was a good actress about it). I have kept in touch with a few people, and they are the ones I want to see/hear about. I'm glad that the process is bringing some healing to you. I think your observations are astute; if more kids knew how "out of it" other kids felt, they might relax, and enjoy life more.
About your comment: I know how we met. My friend from Ronald McDonald House days, Karla (her blog, A Little Something to Share, is at had a link to your blog on hers. I am really thankful that she did, because you are a kindred spirit, and I cherish our long-distance connection.
God bless you and your family as you walk through yet another "liminal space." I am beginning to think that life is a series of them, and that what changes is not that the upheaval stops happening, but how we approach the times/spaces of Not-Knowing changes.