Monday, August 6, 2007

Two down, one to go. I think I will end up with a C in Biology and probably an A in algebra. If anything I would have expected those two grades to be opposite. Thank goodness the Biology grade does not count toward my nursing application. I think I will do better taking one class at a time and being able to really focus a lot of time and energy into that one thing. I still have to take my Algebra final by Tuesday at 8 PM. Then I am done done donesky for three weeks.

I got our bedroom all situated this weekend. We are now looking for new master bedroom furniture, some kind of window treatment and we really need to get some pictures and decorations on the walls..and more plants. We are still looking for a reliable, trustworthy but reasonably priced contractor to come do the flooring and kitchen counters. We are both pretty excited and getting anxious to get those in.

Nick and Alex earned a little extra money (and kept themselves cool in the process) washing Joe's Blazer yesterday. They had so much was cute. The kind of thing they really didn't get to do when living in the apartment. I like the feeling that their quality of life has gone up. Alex told me yesterday how much he is looking foward to Christmas in a "real house" and maybe we could get a bigger tree. That made me laugh, as the tree we have is 7 1/2 feet tall as it is! But I am glad he is looking forward to Christmas. I am trying not to dread it too much, but so many memories of Joseph's horrifying decline are wrapped up in that time of year for us. I am praying I find a way to get through it without it ruining that wonderful holiday forever for me.

I am frustrated with my lack of motivation to start getting this weight off that I gained while Joseph was sick. This weekend my knees and hips started to hurt pretty badly and I definitely don't have the stamina that I am used to having. I hate looking this way and more than anything hate feeling this way. Its a quality of life thing as much as a cosmetic thing. So that is the next demon to put back on my list for conquering. Too often I find myself even now eating when I am not hungry or choosing foods that are just full of simple carbs, that make my blood sugar go wacko, making me moody and depressed from the wild swings. The urge to fill the void apparently is strong, though I cannot say that it is a conscious thing, noting a hurt and then choosing to assuage it with food. It is more just a pattern I recognize over and over again. The more stressed and depressed I am, the less disciplined I am about what and how much I eat and the less I exercise. I think I would have dealt with my school stress so much better if I had gone back to walking 2-3 miles a day like I had been before Joseph became ill. Which in turn makes me wonder how much better I would be doing at working through my grief if I were taking better care of my body. It affects everyone around me, Joe and the kids included. I love them too much and want them to love me back to keep this self destructive pattern going. So I got up early today to broil some chicken breasts and stir fry some broccoli. I'll start having the "good stuff" on hand for me to grab from the fridge and set the goal of getting that walk in twice this week. It will be a start