Monday, August 20, 2007

It has been a good weekend for us. Joe and I got quite a bit of time just the two of us as Nick scampered off on yet another camping trip with the Scouts, this time up into Oklahoma to camp at an air force base there. He came back full of enthusiasm and vigor with stories about touring cargo planes and what the rush of air was like with the engines on and the type of ambulance they have. I have to hold my tongue not to try and start coaching him here and now that I don't want him to join the military. It isn't my decision to make and I would feel wrong to try and influence it, so I just pray that direction. Alex spent the night with his Granny and got to go to dinner at The Purple Cow for burgers and shakes with Granny and Grandpa. Apparently when they got home there was a toad hiding behind the laundry room door and Alex was quite impressed that Granny did not freak out, but merely shoo'd it out into the garage.

Joe took me to dinner at a very lovely seafood restaurant in Addision called Go Fish on Saturday night to celebrate my first semester's back-to-college success. He opened a bottle of Silver Oak before we left and we sat on the couch and marveled at how far we have come, with his repeated words of congratulations and support...it felt just so good to hear. He is a superb support system for me and knows just how to spoil me...which he does regularly. He got a lot of work done on the fence this weekend. On Saturday we went down onto Harry Hines and found a place called Surplus Warehouse that had just the tile we wanted for the kitchen and bathroom, so those purchases are made and waiting to be installed now. We are still in debate about the kitchen counters, what to do with them, whether to do them now or later, etc. We are going to replace the dishwasher no matter what as well. It all adds up and its both fun and frustrating to try and crunch the numbers to get the most bang for our buck and yet still get good quality workmanship and materials. We are so close now to getting it all started.

We have tossed around the idea of going somewhere for the Labor Day weekend. That weekend will mark exactly five years since we met in person and it is our first long weekend together in any true sense of the word. We are late to the game though in making our plans. We are contemplating New Orleans, driving into Arkansas and seeing where we land, going to New Braunfels and going tubing, going to Las Vegas...all that and I bet we just stay home and huddle down like hermits in our house and feel terribly satisfied with ourselves. We are both such homebodies I think we have to guard against just never going out.

Sunday was an emotional day for the Morrison part of the family. Camp Sol is a grief support group for families that have lost a child, whether to illness or accident. They have three events a year...a back to school picnic, a holiday gathering at Christmas time, and a camp retreat down at Camp Jean Marc, which is where the Leukemia Camp is held each year too. We attended the Back to School picnic yesterday. What a nice group of people. The kids just love these events, getting to be with others who have lost a sibling, in and among adults who know what they have been through. I go because the love it. I kind of dread it, yet at the same time find it validating. I guess I am just not a support group kind of person. I get impatient with others who are six, seven, eight years out and still bogged down, still dominating conversations about it...impatient how some almost seem to have become slow, mentally deficient....its not nice of me. I am just so driven. I know most people are not as driven as I am. I don't WANT to be sad forever. The idea of being that far out from Joseph's death and still moping around and not letting life be full of gratitude is f0reign, unappealing and depressing to me...hopeless and helpless feeling...and makes me wonder why anyone would continue on if that is all there is to look foward to. I am so glad to be in school, so glad to have found a way to channel all this sadness, so glad I still have two happy, healthy boys who love me so much, so glad that Joe is with me now. I will continue to attend the groups as long as the boys enjoy and want to do it but I will work hard not to get sucked into that depressive, oppressive sadness. I will represent myself as using my pain as a reason to go forward and maybe that energy will give someone else permission to do so as well...to know it is okay to be happy even when you are sad. To strive for a better future even when the past has been so devastating. I do not like how impatient I am with the grief of others, so I will work on that.

After the picnic, Stewart and I took Nick and Alex to see the Transformers movie, which was something Joseph had looked forward to for over a year, from the minute he heard one was being made. That was so emotional too. We both shed tears the first time they showed Optimus Prime in all his transformed glory, knowing what an exciting film that would have been to Joe-Gi. But Nick and Alex loved it and it made us all feel bonded and close, both to Joseph and each other. It was bittersweet.

I start back at belly dance lessons tonight and school starts again for us all next week. Life is full and sweet and good with much to be thankful for.