Saturday, August 11, 2007

It is a domestic world for me these days. If I am choosing to hide within my own family and closest circle of friends, I am okay with that. Where else ought my energy to be going in any case? The most powerful lesson Joseph has taught me is how to savor the youth and vigor of my sons (at least better than I used to) and to cherish every moment with those who are dear to my heart. Nothing makes me happier than being at home and working there.

I did go out with a good girlfriend on Friday night. I am ashamed to admit that Joe had to pratically put his foot on my ass and push me out the door to get me to go. Well, that is not entirely accurate. Once the decision was made I second guessed it no longer...he just pretty much made it for me by taking out only one steak for the grill for Friday night and giving me a generous budget for the outing. I do not know why it is I hesitate. I got so much from the evening...we had dinner in a fun little dive Mexican restaurant and talked and talked and talked...and then went to the nearest mall and walked for 45 minutes and talked and talked and talked...and then sat for another 2+ hours in her car with the A/C on and talked and talked and talked....it was so wonderful. Wonderful because I was not the only one talking. Wonderful because it just made me feel good for a while. But something in me was almost afraid to go...and when Joseph's illness and death came up, I felt like a deer in headlights...the closing throat, the gathering tears, the inability to maintain the veneer of "okay-ness" ...and particularly with this person, who was with me through the whole of it and really truly there for me, I should not have worried one bit about it. Intellectually I know this. But it frightens me to be so easily and swiftly overwhelmed. I worry I will never find my way back to myself again I suppose. It feels so odd and out of character for me to be this self absorbed.

We purchased the wood today for the floors and will be selecting the tile any moment. We are both so excited to see the change it will bring. I think it is going to be very attractive. We had a couple more estimators come and do their thing....we've had about seven of them now, but very few of them make it to the second phase, which is to provide us with the quote in writing. That step seems to hang them up quite a bit. I'll be glad when we find the right person to do it. Joe has decided we are going to go ahead and do the tile in the guest bathroom along with a new sink/counter and possibly a new potty. That surprised me...that room had always been a bit further down the list. In need of attention, but not as drastically as some other things. But it does make financial sense if we are paying the tile layers by the day rather than by the foot, which is what most of them have been quoting us.

Joe smoked ribs on the grill tonight while I took Alexander shopping for new school clothes and a book bag. He decided he would rather have a satchel than a backpack. I suspect he will regret that decision a few weeks into the school year, but am letting him choose it anyway. He'll be going into fourth grade and Nick will be going into seventh. I made a new spinach salad recipe when I got home and some baked potatoes for the two of them. The salad turned out to be amazing. I pureed two small avocadoes into a half cup of ranch dressing. It made a superb salad dressing..a bit thick...but really good...and we had red onion, real bacon, hardboiled eggs and the true yum factor, fresh grape tomatoes from the garden, halved. I could have eaten nothing but the salad. (which is not to say the ribs weren't terrific...they were. Nobody makes ribs like Joe)That will definitely get made again. Joe loved it. Alex took one look at the green salad dressing and could not get past the squeamish factor. Nick is with his dad tonight, so it is just the three of us, and Joe and Alex played with the hose after dinner in the backyard, mostly Joe squirting Alex of course.

And now things are just quiet and peaceful...Alex in the shower, Joe doing some business, me clacking away here. We have a get together with friends tomorrow afternoon and Alex has a birthday party to attend in the evening. I hope to finish painting the kitchen. How long have I been saying that now? *smiles*