I am on an up swing and trying to enjoy it. I feel sorry for Joe sometimes..it truly is bipolar feeling, the way I can be trucking along just fine and then suddenly the bottom falls out again. I reckon (because I am from Texas and that is what we do. Reckon.) I will turn the other way soon. Thursday is one year since we discovered Joseph's relapse. I am not really dreading it how I thought I might though. Not like some of the other anniversaries. That day is also Joe's birthday and the first one I get to actually spend with him, so I am busily making my devious little plans to make his day fun. He already told me he would like fried pork chops with mashed potatoes and gravy for dinner that night. It was his favorite meal growing up and one I am good at making. I am really looking forward to that. I have other things in store but I can't give all my secrets away here!
Anyway, I find I start dreading the down swing when I am in the up times and it makes me wonder if that isn't a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy. It has only been six months since Joseph died and I know I am still in the thick of adjusting to it, but I feel tremendously guilty when I start feeling too good about life at the same time that I feel so grateful to have some moments that are not just infused with debilitating emotional pain. I am going to go to my grief counselor tomorrow.
Joe surprised me when I got back from spending time with Mom yesterday. He was cooking a smoked pork loin (did I mention how enamoured of this new grill he is? He is cooking constantly!) but had also gone to the store and gotten chicken wings to smoke just for me. That is my absolute favorite as he well knows. He does well not to make little grunty piggy sounds as he laughs at me digging in. In all seriousness, he just plain loves to cook for me. He managed to get two more sections of fence done despite the ongoing wetness and we have a line on a guy who hopefully will come haul away all the old fence sections this week along with a hunk of the peach tree that cracked and fell due to the weight of the peaches and the violence of some of the storms we have had. I am excited to see the peaches turning toward ripeness. It will be fun to see if any of them are viable or if the birds and bugs get them all first. The ones on the ground certainly attract a lot of flies. But the boys are intrigued by the growing fruit. It is good for them to see that food doesn't just come from Kroger.