Monday, March 24, 2008

We had a wonderful Easter, better than I had thought about or hoped for. Easter is kind of a "nothing" holiday to me. I don't get into the bunnies and eggs and candy. Stewart does the boys' baskets now because we get to do Christmas here. And obviously I am not really a church-goer, and if I was, I would probably skip Easter Sunday in order to avoid the teaming masses of people who attend once or twice a year. So we had pretty modest plans of doing a ham and having Stewart and the boys come to dinner. Mom called and let me know she would come as well, and then yesterday morning Ryan (my younger brother) called and said he was coming by to visit for a while. The food was good, the conversation wonderful and the wine plentiful. I am so blessed.

Joe and I went to the cemetery to bring Joseph some flowers and also my dad. It was the first time I wanted him to come with me when I went. Its a gorgeous, dignified cemetery and we put a wind streamer and lovely yellow, orange and white flowers on his grave.

This morning I just feel a little drained. School starts back tomorrow; the boys go back today. I am incredibly depressed about my weight and yet feel beyond overwhelmed at the idea of trying to make watching what I eat a priority now. Something has got to give, and I wish it would be this sense of stagnation and lack of drive. There are so many things I want desperately for my life that just can't/won't happen if I don't get the weight off. My 38th birthday is in September and I don't want to be fat again for my birthday. Hot weather is coming and I want to be able to wear shorts and tank tops without feeling like a schlep in them. But instead of these thoughts making me feel determined, they just make me feel beaten down, old and weary. I have started, succeeded and stopped so many times since Joseph died. I know I have done it before, but I can't for the life of me remember how. I remember it having to take precidence over everything else, that I had to think so hard about it all the time, every minute of the day, to the point of obsession. How good I felt. How rewarding it was. But the degree of myself I had to invest in it was amazing and I have no idea where to find that right now.

So much on my mind these days. And in all, a lot of the time I just wish I could lay down and do nothing but remember Joseph until I am where he is. I know I can't do that. I have two other boys and I have Joe, Mom, a terrific job. I don't understand why I can't shake it better than I do sometimes.

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