Friday, March 28, 2008

Nick has a school social tonight. He had a girlfriend at school, but apparently she told him she was breaking up with him because the "other kids" were making fun of her for being with him. His face when he told me this just broke my heart. When I asked him about it, he said "Well Mom, I'm not exactly one of the cool kids". Why are children so cruel to one another? I want to snatch the hair from that little girl's head and I want to give a serious ass chewing to the children who made her feel that way. If that is all the character she has I am sure it is better off that she not be with Nick, but watching him deal with this very personal pain is heart wrenching. Its worse watching your kids go through it than to go through it yourself. I just praised him for not compromising who he is in order to look "cool" and pointed out to him how well he is doing in school, how he has pulled up his grades, how proud of him I am. He's been through a lot and he is definitely socially awkward, but that will come with time. How many kids have been through all that he has? Not many. I hope he can see his family, the orchestra kids, the scouts and his youth group as his "pack" and realize there are people who love him and think well of him. I have told him these are nowhere near the best years of his life, but they do set him up for better grown up years and that we'll get through them together. I am gratified that at least he talks to me. But I wish I knew better how to help him relate more to his peers. He never asks to have anyone over, never asks to go to a movie with so and so or to the mall...he just seems content to stick near to home. I am not sure if that is just his own way or if it is the result of the emotional trauma of the last five years. And I don't know how hard to push him.

We got two new bradford pear trees planted in the back yard this week, and a new piece of art work arrived that we purchased on our cruise. Its our first selection of "real" art, signed and numbered by the artist. It brings so much life and energy into our living room and I am thrilled with it.

I miss Joseph so breathlessly. Some pictures of him just before transplant I look at and he seems so alive. I can hear him, smell him, still feel him on my fingertips. He would have turned 15 this Memorial Day. I would like to think of some way to commemorate his birthday this year. Last year it was just too much to think of. I miss him and cry for him a lot, but I do feel stronger, at least today. A little bit.

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