Friday, September 14, 2007
God I wish the world would just slow down. Just slow.down. Let me get my bearings. I know a lot of it is my own fault. Pushing forward so hard..school, new home, new living situation, new job, trying to lose weight, trying to resurrect my dying friendships, trying to be a better mother, trying to help the boys get through their grief and school challenges and friend challenges, trying to be an attentive partner, a financially atuned modern woman,a sexy, generous lover, a good housekeeper, a tasteful decorator, a good student, a good friend, a generous daughter, a good employee....I feel like I am holding onto a big bunch of balls and constantly twisting, turning, straining, spinning, letting one drop to save another, picking it up as it bounces back at me, getting everything balanced precariously and then one gust of ill wind and once more I am back to struggling. I feel like nothing is 100%, nothing is good enough and failures are taunting me from every corner. I am tired emotionally. I find myself daydreaming about going to a cabin in the woods by myself for a few days, with nothing to do but walk through the forest and think, open my laptop and type, sip warm coffee, hold a warm mug in chilled hands, wrap up in a blanket underneath a big tree and just let it come to me. Or huddling in some anonymous Starbucks somewhere or even just wandering Barnes and Noble like I used to do when my spirit became restless because the smell of books soothes me. I have so little guilt-free time to myself and I am constantly trying to get some, but that usually means something else I ought to be getting done isn't and I am letting someone down. Days go by where I don't get to think much about Joseph at all now and then it comes back to me with such a powerful punch, both the pain and the guilt and at time resentment that I can't have the luxury of falling apart. But it is still in there, affecting my thoughts and my focus...I can't seem to remember anything for long, including to check the things I have put into place to help me remember stuff. Constantly seeking that peaceful, private moment where I can shut off the world and process all of this..not because I don't love the people around me but because I DO..and at times I feel absolutely panicked...that he isn't here..that I still am...that I am actively moving forward...that everything is so different, my life so fractured and segmented....Before...During....After...and none of it familiar now. I keep looking around and wondering how I got here, as if I tumbled ashore from shipwreck and find that I am probably okay but still so shaken up and not completely without inury. All normal grief stuff. All stuff I have to get through. All impossible to explain to anyone. Distracted. Forgetful. Fatigued. Sad. And alone in that sadness because I just don't have time for it, so to the outside eye it isn't even with me. My head feels so exhaustedly crowded and now that the boys are back in school with all their activities and issues my life does as well. So many expectations on me at a time when my inner resources have never been more strained. I wish I could just step off the path for a while and breathe.