Wednesday, September 12, 2007

I am composing in my head constantly now, blogging here even when I cannot be here to write..which I find I want to do more and more of and yet seem to have less and less time. Its probably a good thing. This has gotten to feel a bit egotistical, as if the whole world revolves around me. Of course, its a blog. Its supposed to be about me. So I guess I set myself up for yet another catch 22 situation that allows me to flagellate myself for no good reason. I just am always surprised when I find out that anybody reads these blurbs of thought and mundane information. More and more often lately I get a note in my email or a comment from someone referencing these scribblings and it always takes me aback. Thank you for all of you who read and care about me. I don't have the comments area activated, so it feels fairly anonymous from my end.

I am fussy today. Interestingly it seems to have absolutely nothing to do with Joseph. Imagine that! There are OTHER reasons on the planet to not be in a good mood. Silly really that it never occurred to me that other portions of life can still get me down. It makes me laugh at myself...partly a dark musing wondering how many reasons are there are on earth to be a grump (apparently many, at least in Sheri's world), partly poking at myself for becoming so tunnel visioned that everything gets filtered through the experience of Joseph's death prior to my being able to acknowledge it as a valid emotion. I am tearful today, just a bit left of center from the moment I woke up. A little strife between Joe and I is all it takes. A few moments of tension, then the rush of relief when those moments pass, the straining desire to burrow so far into his chest that we fuse and I can simply exist right there, inside his warmth and strength, right next to his heart where I most love to be...the frightening, rare occurrence of brittleness enough to make me see red, then that rubberband rush of "I'm sorry" and "I love you" and "Stay here forever". All that Hallmark stuff that part of me says I am far too old to be experiencing and another part of me is so thrilled to get to have at this point in my life.

Five years long distance made for an interesting courtship, every weekend together a honeymoon, every meal a dining experience, every hand-holding moment full of both an intense need born of the unfulfilled weeks in between visits and the muted dread of more of the same to come, until once again, one month later, all is satisfied and yet starting anew. I laughed at myself a bit this morning. I had trouble talking to him about what was bugging me face to face. The phone felt more familiar and safe. All is well now, but I am just so bad when it comes to working things out. My first impulse is to stifle and sink it into myself until it passes. And Joe reads me so plainly (its actually kind of scary) that it rarely works. He always knows when something is off between us, as if I am an instrument he finely and constantly tunes...even one small vibration of discord causing his head to tilt, his fingers to strum until he finds where the sour note is coming from, no matter how faint I try to make it (My! Doesn't that make me sound high maintenance?!). Of course, the trying to deny and hide my heart can at times become its own individual problem, until the situation has grown far beyond its own skin and into another entity entirely. We avoided that today. My resources are low though and I am now tearful, grateful to have a partner to whom I can talk, grateful to have found a man who is (usually) calm in the face of my seeming hurricane of emotion, who is there with arms and heart open. I want to fly there now, sink into the security and strength of him, to deny the world beyond my own door and hunker down in our little house on our little Texas plot of land where we planted our little white and yellow mums last night in the flower beds out front. I try not to wonder how long these blessings will stay with me. I try to live just in today. And when I do that successfully, I am so damn grateful for all I have that I could weep. Life is so good right now and I am thankful for the reprieve...for the chance to live each day with him, to solve life's little misunderstandings, for the rush of blessing after the storms we weather, far and away stronger and bigger than any muttering of disagreement we come up with. Oh, I know this all sounds so bipolar and young-lovish and newlywed-ish. I am old enough to know in time all this up and down will fade, that every grumble will not feel like an earthquake, that every irritation will not need voice nor solving. This period too shall have its day and, as everything does, turn to another season. But right now, today, I am 36 years old, soon to be 37, and I am in love. I love that.