Friday, April 10, 2009

Just Musing on a Spring Morning

Here we are in April and it is Good Friday. I wish I spent more time on spiritual matters. I have taken to quiet little prayers more often lately, slightly more formal than my usual ethereal means of sending thoughts out into the Universe and hoping they get picked up somewhere by a loving God. I can absolutely consume my own mind with worry and as such turn myself into a neurotic without meaning to. Its not fair to those who love me to see me eat myself alive. I am my own macrophage. Negativity is like a cancer. It just grows and spreads without any awareness. I am working on healing myself of this.

Joe took me to lunch yesterday, which was just so lovely. We have such an abiding romance between us. Some of the most peaceful moments in my life have just been walking down a quaint street somewhere gazing in windows as eclectic restaurant menus and holding his hand. Being with him brings me serenity and security, which conversely can feed this desperate phobia I have of loss. We talked at lunch and I confessed some very neurotic thoughts, fears that he will leave me, fears that his obligations to his ex wife will eventually lead him to let me go. I felt like a child confessing these things. I realize on a logical level that they are both without grounds and are unfair to him. He seemed to grasp that it is not a lack of trust in him that makes me spin that direction and I am so thankful he didn't get annoyed with me for my childish mental fretting. Its been preying on me for quite a while now and I feel so much more settled today than I did yesterday after airing it out. I was so ashamed for thinking those thoughts and then for letting them bother me. My fear of loss is not normal and I recognize that I must lean more heavily on the things I know and let myself dwell less on the things I fear.

He was gone last week to Florida to see his sister. I missed him so very much that I laughed at myself. I got weepy the first night he was gone, coming home to an empty house with no lights on and no dinner made after school. It drove home to me the degree to which he both supports and spoils me. I kept myself busy after that with visits with friends. Saturday I took Stewart and the boys to Scarborough Faire and met up with some friends of mine and Sunday Joe came home again. Those are the pictures posted here. Nick and Alex absolutely loved it and got lost in a dreamland of medieval intrigue. I hope I get to take them back again this year. There was so much to see and do and we didn't get to see everything they wanted to. And we just love being able to dress up and immerse ourselves in whimsy. Honestly, its good for my soul. I am so serious so often. I like being able to tap into a more playful side. Obviously my friends enjoy it too, which helps me relax and not worry so much about my hair or my appearance. Its a little sexy, a little bit fun, very flirtatious, somewhat baudy. Just enough to be intriguing, not so much that I shy from exposing my kids. Nick's head was on a swivel watching all the girls in corsets. :laugh:

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