Stewart, the boys and I are leaving tomorrow to spend the weekend together at Camp Sol, a grief support group for families who have suffered the death of a child. We went last year and it was intense, draining and healing. In a sense, I kind of dread it, but mostly, I am anticipating it. I am ready. I have not had a lot of energy to spare for my memories these last two months and very little time dedicated to quiet introspection. Though most of this weekend will be about the kids, the camp we go to is isolated and lush with forestry. I am looking forward to it and hoping for time to just be alone. I seem to be craving that more than anything of late. The world, when it changes, changes so fast.
I have had frequent and vivid dreams of Joseph over the last few weeks. I alway awaken yearning to stay asleep, to remain with him a little bit longer. Whether the dreams are visits from his spirit or simply my own mind's internal focus on him doesn't matter. It is healing, spiritually connecting. I don't feel I can do justice to what it is my heart about him right now. My urge to write in any kind of an eloquent fashion is going through a quiet spell. I don't feel the drive to it and when I try to force it, it kicks back at me.
I am not drowning in sorrow. If anything I have an inner sensation of being quite rich with memories, and wanting some time to count them and relive them. I am missing him and ready to let go of the world for a while, to have this one weekend a year when my only real responsibility is to honor his memory and savor Nick and Alex. I am so overwhelmed with the burden of worry and angst pervading the world. I fret to no end about unemployment rates and my portfolio balance, which continues to decline at an alarming rate. The new job is going well, with very good people giving me every opportunity and benefit of the doubt and the very nature of the work speaking to some of my own strongest personality points. Its a good fit. But I continue to mourn my old job and to feel out of place at the new one. Tomorrow I will have completed my first week. I hope my second one finds me feeling more organized and efficient and doing a little more and having to seek clarification a little bit less.
I am ready to head out of town and into the solace, the quiet of nature.