Its interesting how in time, after enough losses, the unresolved or just intense emotions about one bleeds readily into another. Yesterday was just a hard day all the way around. I think its finally sunk in that I am not going back to my old job. Its hard to go from a position where I was sure of myself, well liked, respected in my craft and in general competent, confident, well compensated and happy day after day back to a place where I am not as well compensated, not as confident, certainly not yet respected or even necessarily well liked and most definitely not comfortable. I am ashamed to report my frustration and grief welled up at one point yesterday and I teared up at work. I am one of those people who never cry in front of others if she can help it. Which is not to say I don't break down. I just in general tend to save that for solitude. Nobody gets anything from it but me. In any case, I was mortified that my frustration at being two weeks into this job and still not up to speed boiled up and dripped down my face and off my nose.
Today was better, partly because I squared my shoulders and resolved it was going to be, partly because the family is starting to get excited about Ben's upcoming wedding next week and the fact that we are all once again coming together for a celebration. I can't wait to go on that trip. My anticipation helps me to underline that work is not the only source of happiness or satisfaction in life. I am more than my job. And if one aspect of my life is not ideal, the others are still there, just as good, just as fulfilling. I need to be more mindful of what things I pay attention to and what I allow to roll off my back or go by unnoticed. I think I have had a few things backward for a few weeks now. Good to feel myself wake up a bit. All it took was the mortification of letting someone else see me cry in frustration. I certainly don't want to repeat that little episode. Gah.