Monday, March 2, 2009

A new beginning. Again.

I don't think I came back to report here that I got the job and that I am starting today. Its a good thing. I know it is. And I am excited about the position, working with bariatric surgery patients. But I dreamed last night that I went in to the Cooper Clinic again to work, and that my office area had been turned into a day care center, so I sat down in there. Nobody had any kids to bring but someone brought in a ferret, so I spent the morning playing with it, until I suddenly realized I was in the wrong place and was five hours late for my new job, and I panicked. I am in mourning I suppose. The rapid turn around to new employment is obviously a good thing, both in terms of salvaging my battered self esteem and in financial terms. But I feel breathless from how fast my life again has changed. This is the most nervous I have ever felt about going into a new place and establishing myself. I think all the major life changes have caught up with me somewhat. I am feeling uncertain and shy...not normal for me. The new job is across the street from the position I left to accept the position at Cooper, so it feels like I just kind of made a detour somehow and wound up going in circles.

Joe and I spent the weekend in San Antonio to celebrate new employment. It was different from our usual vacationing. We did the partying we like to do, but we also had long hours of quiet time just reading and being side by side. We always like to read, but for me at least, it had a feeling of just....breathing. In. Breathing out. There was no electric sense of anticipation or "I can't believe we're HERE!" that I have known in the past. It was more solid, more about Joe and me, less about where we were or what we could do while we were there. We drank and ate a little too much, laughing loud, sang baudy songs and did a LOT of walking. A young couple got married on Saturday evening right beneath our sixth floor window overlooking Romance Island on the Riverwalk and I wept a little bit even though I don't know them. We ate truffles and drank fine wine and watched their simple little ceremony from our very elegant view. Their celebration looked to consist of about 30 family members and the bride and groom's own children. They had a Mariachi band playing and it was so festive and yet, to me, haunting, yearning. We talked about it a little bit. Its a dream I probably had better just put away forever now. It made me sad. One of the only areas in our wonderful life where we are completely polarized.

Friday evening we spent at a really fun bar with dueling pianos called Howl at the Moon after spending the afternoon at a Mexican restaurant right on the river, drinking margaritas, nibbling on nachos and feeding the adorable ducks that were everywhere. It was as fun to people watch as anything. The entertainment at Howl At The Moon was fantastic. I could not help but notice we "old" people were all having more fun than the younger ones, who seemed very concerned with looking cool. That is, until they drank too much and then had to dance on (and fall off)the stage. By the time we left we were tipsy and giggly, skipping into the McDonald's across the street from the hotel for a late night bag of burgers and fries and took them upstairs to eat with a bottle of fine wine, peppered with plenty of snuggling and kisses. It was as perfect as it gets.

I was melancholy to leave yesterday and it lingers with me today, mostly in the form of anxiety about starting my new job. I spent yesterday evening with two of my best friends and a photographer having pictures of us taken, which was also a great time. I have school tonight, so it will be a full day. Hopefully I will get my lab practical back and hopefully I did as well as I feel like I did.

1 comment:

karengberger said...

Wow! I'm almost out of breath from reading this...your life moves fast, young lady! =)
I'm thankful that you & Joe got a weekend away together, and that you have a new position. It seems perfectly normal to be nervous. Remember that even seasoned performers get stage fright, so why should we regular folks not feel some anxiety along with our excitement when facing something new?
Looking forward to hearing about it when you catch your breath!
God bless you & your family.