Thursday, May 1, 2008

I feel like I have so far left to go before I amount to anything. It can be an exhausting train of thought when I think about how long it could take for me to become a nurse, to lose the weight I want to lose, to learn to live again without being afraid of my shadow. I am thinking about one of those three issues 100% of the time. I wish I could let it all go, meaning not stop doing the things I want to do, but stop worrying and turning it all over and feeling my stomach and mind in knots. I wish it could be okay even without me examining every nuance, every possible outcome, without me trying to manage and stay on top of everything. I am emotionally tired.

It was a pretty nice day today. Nick got his report card yesterday and has pulled his grades up to all As and Bs. He satisfied his first merit requirement on his journey to being an Eagle Scout. He signed up for softball with our church youth group and has volunteered to help with the younger kids at Vacation Bible School this summer. He is happy and pleasant to be around. We watched part of the Stars playoff game together last night and shared a pillow. He would touch my hand now and then and smile at me. He tries though too hard to take care of me.

Alex has his first baseball game on Saturday. He is very excited. His progress report came home today and he is now making straight As. He hung out in his underwear at the kitchen table tonight eating a popsicle and didn't think a thing of it when Joe walked through the room. Nick hugged Joe after dinner to thank him for cooking. Its taken a year, but I think they are finally starting to believe life has settled down, that this house is ours, that Joe is going to stay. I need to take my cues from them. I still feel like it could all go away at any moment. When will I learn that its okay to relax? Maybe never? Between the brain tumor and the leukemia I just feel like I am forever now looking over my shoulder and all around, searching and scrutinizing for the slightest hint that something is going to go awry.

Tonight was the last night of school. I didn't even realize it would be, and it made me oddly sad and melancholy. I only made an 81 on my last exam. There goes my A average for good. I can't get an A now no matter what. I am disappointed. But if you had asked me if I could even pass that class six months ago I would have said probably not. Getting a B is not the end of the world. The instructor handed out the review for our final, which is on Thursday, and said there is no class on Tuesday. I felt like I had been punched, which surprised me. I am attached to the teacher and very emotional about this class. It was the end of a degree plan I have been working on in bits and peices for 20 years, and the first requirement toward the next degree I want to get. Just a big soulful punch there.

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