Here we are, the end of 2007. My life looks nothing like it did in 2006, in some ways horribly different and in others dream-come-true different.
I have had a hard time coming in to write. Trying to get through this time of year without walking around under a dark cloud is a challenge and I work hard not to think about Joseph right now. I have so many things pulling my attention in so many directions, its not difficult. I have had a few pesky health issues of my own demanding attention and the boys are out of school, so that keeps us all busy. I had a breast biopsy done on Friday for an intraductal lesion on the right that is almost certainly benign, but still will have to be removed if it is what they think it is (a papilloma). It was sooooo anxiety producing, but I had it done at Cooper with doctors and staff I work with every day, and they were wonderful about making sure I felt no pain. Its pretty bruise up and ugly now, but at least it is over. As I lay there, heart pounding with fear and worry about whether the biopsy would hurt, all I could think of was how many times Joseph had to deal with that anxiety and worry....how many procedures he went through, how many times he wanted reassurance that something would not hurt and how many times I could not give that reassurance to him. It just really underlined for me how brave he was and how much more courageous than me. He never sweated and quaked like I did and went through soooo much more.
On my physical this year they found some weird neurological findings, so I am going to have to have an MRI of my head and neck to see if anything can be found to be causing it. Anacronyms like "MS" and "ALS" have been tossed around and I can make myself insane wondering if I am dying. The odds are so slim, yes, but we have hit such bizarre odds in the past, having two kids with two different kinds of cancer, with my dad having that weird rare Parkinsonian disorder, with my brothers both coming into heart disease so young. So its hard to put it out of my mind. I am feeling fine and hoping its just some weirdness inside me and nothing serious. I am not talking about any of this (breast or MRI) with my mother. She went nuts worrying about Ryan last week when he landed in the hospital with his heart problem. I don't want her under that kind of stress from me unless there is good cause. And thus far, near as I can tell, I am fine.
I don't have a lot to say right now about my grief. We are ten days from the day Joseph died, eight to nine from the time we realized he would never recover. I feel lightheaded and out-of-body when I remember it, so I am just trying for now to let it be.