Wednesday, February 15, 2012

In the Mirror

Sadness, jealousy, competitiveness, fear....they all seem to go hand in hand. I dislike these things in myself. I don't enjoy feeling jealous. Jealousy is more about the bearer than the object and I am acutely aware of this when I see the accomplishments or imagine the lives of others and find myself somehow coming up short. It is a vindictive, ugly, destructive emotion and I feel shame on top of it any time it rears its ugly head. Competitiveness - healthy for some people, but not so much for me. I have yet to learn how to utilize it to its utmost, and usually this particular emotion spawns the previously mentioned one. I am best when I focus simply on myself and let everyone else focus on themselves....but.... Why is that so hard to do sometimes? If someone else is pretty, does that mean I am not? If someone else gets something they want, does that take away any right I have to something similar? Of course not. Some people use it to spur themselves forward. I seem to use it as a way to get stuck and then get really mad. I am working on it. Because right now all it is doing is tearing up my sense of self and making me look at parts of me that I prefer to think aren't really there. But apparently they are.  Maybe I need to be looking at it....

Sadness. So so much of it. I have carried it along bravely, even I know that. But I hate it. I hate carrying it. I hate feeling it. I hate the way it makes me feel like a burden to those I love. I hate the secretive nature of it. And I hate how it spins up into that fourth emotion - fear. Fear of further loss. Fear of failure. Fear of abandonment. Fear of forgetting. Fear of remembering. Fear of hurting people. Of inconveniencing people. Of being self important. Of being ill thought of. Sometimes I think I live far too much of my life prodded forward on the heels of it. And that makes me wonder how much of my life I have truly evaluated, if fear can be a major cause of motivation for me. How much do I really know myself if fear is something I walk so heavily with? My husband asked me this week when I am going to finally start trusting myself. I do not know the answer to that. I guess I am afraid to?

I am not myself tonight. My boys are growing up and I don't like it. I have never seen anything written about letting go of other children when one child has died, but I suspect I am not alone in my feelings of intense sorrow that can almost feel like anger/jealousy/fear as they start to fluff their feathers in preparation of flight. I never considered myself a clingy mother, but I am acting like one these days. Every grunt instead of cohesive words drives home to me that every molecule they are made of is pulling with irrevocable force toward a destiny in which my part has been already played, in which I become peripheral. I guess every parent probably deals with this to one extent or another. I didn't expect to. I think the shock of the emotions bothers me as much as the events leading to them. I never thought of myself as "that" mom. BZZT! Try again....thank you for playing.

I have started my new job. I passed NCLEX in typical Sheri fashion, with much angst and ado and paradoxical let down afterward when, having girded myself for intense battle, find it flit by almost as if it didn't happen. I have a badge with RN on it beside my name. I get a tickle in my stomach every time I see it. The Internship I have is classroom work for the first three weeks, so thus far it feels like I am kind of back in school, only getting paid for it. There are a few dreams come true in that statement, aren't there? I am taking much better care of myself. I log everything I eat on MyFitnessPal and have a bunch of new friends there, mostly members of the Zumba studio I have joined. We work out together and laugh a lot on Facebook. I am learning a lot from the new friends I am making, most of whom are living far healthier than I have been. I let them influence me. I feel better. I am moving a lot. I get to listen to loud music and dance like a maniac until sweat is flowing down my face. What's not to love?

This is a period of growth, of self observation and taking stock. I am finding things I don't like about myself. More positively, I am finding things I didn't know about myself. And finally, I am proving things I was not sure of about myself.  I hopped on this ride willingly. We shall see where it ultimately leads me. Tonight has been emotionally troubling for me. So I will tell myself what I have told my boys so many times:  Tomorrow is a whole, clean, brand new day with no mistakes even in it yet. So go to sleep. Tomorrow will be better.

1 comment:

Angela Beck said...

You write so beautifully and openly, friend, allowing people to see inside your soul. It's a gift that you have and you use it wisely. I'm incredibly proud of you - I need to hop on your healthier living bandwagon, but I feel stuck.....hugs to you!!!