I came home from work tonight and almost immediately went upstairs and prepared a bath for myself. This day was stressful, for reasons that don't matter too much now, I suppose. It is all over - the final exam for my critical care internship taken, sweated over, passed (barely)....it did nothing for my sense of self confidence. I feel like my radar is on hyperdrive, seeking almost frantically for any sign that this rug is going to pull out from under me. I know it is probably silly. I know there are good odds that I will go on to be successful. I have no reason to be doubting myself so much. Sometimes I think learning how to hold a dream come true is just as devastatingly difficult as dealing with the loss of one; or perhaps just after dealing with the loss of one....
So I slid my brain-weary self down into my bubbles and overly-hot bath water and just sat there. Our bathroom is on the second floor and the tub is settled beneath a large picture window. When I am in the bath I look out; some of my favorite times to be in there has been during large storms, both thunderstorms and snowstorms. Particularly I love to watch lightening shows or snow fall from the sky while I lay coccooned in a tiny ocean of silken water. I didn't have anything that interesting to stare at while I bathed tonight, but I imagined up a mighty snow and a mountain in the distance and lots and lots of trees. I meditated intently on the silence that comes with snowfall, the subtle sound fat flakes make as they land one atop the other, enmeshing the world in foamy white softness. The way all the microdetails come into focus as the macro nature of our modern day world is sealed away. Honestly I craved this. It became a one room cabin in my mind, not our suburban home; a fireplace dancing merrily across the room next to a bed with an old quilt or plaid spread on it. The scent of pine. The pile of books. The old standby of yearning that I come to when life has just gotten too hard. I dream up solitude, serenity, security. I could use all of those things right now. I am not sleeping very well. I think too much. I try too hard. I let myself run away with my thoughts too easily and am learning I am not very nice to me in my thoughts. That needs to change, though I hardly know when I am doing it and don't know much how to stop it. I have Tom Hanks living in my head, spittle flying as he hollers "Are you crying?! There's no crying in nursing!!!"
The hospital I work for has a generous allowance given for the scrubs we are required to wear. Nurses in this area always wear royal blue and the first day I put those on was very exciting. In between getting out of work today and picking the boys up from school I wandered into a local department store. It is interesting - people treat me differently. Doors were held. Smiles. I made a purchase and the salesman was not satisfied to merely hand me my bag over the countertop; he walked all the way around to hand it to me with a tiny bow and a smile into my eyes. At one time I would have assumed I was being flirted with, but I think I know better now (do these scrubs make my butt look big?). It was just an attempt to give excellent service to someone he deemed deserving of it. I admit, that felt pretty nice.
My spirit is just weary tonight I guess. I have not gotten to work out this week as much as I would normally do and I had three different exams in five days, all of which had to be passed with a minimum of 84%. I'm exhausted all the way around. I intend to sleep in tomorrow, at least as much as my hyperactive brain will let me.