Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Life, going on

I am in another silent phase, obviously. My internal voice does speak to me and there have been a few times I have had the urge to write but not been in a place or situation where I could, whether from atmosphere or proximity to my computer. I dislike missing those opportunities. It never fails that the wind that was blowing within blows away completely if I don't honor it right when it happens. I am kind of making myself write this right now. Not so much a wind as a warning inside. I need to be writing.

The semester started on the 20th and I am retaking A&P II. So far I feel much more peaceful about this term. Joe and I had many, many talks over the two and a half month break about what I hope to achieve and what he hopes for me to achieve. On his part, that entails mainly my happiness. He wants to to continue and finish these pre-requisites and apply for nursing school. But if I choose not to, or even if I do, get there, get accepted and THEN choose not to, he is fine with that. Somehow just knowing that, that he, whose opinion matters beyond anyone else's, would be fine with me just being happy, however that happens, freed me somehow from some of the competitive angst I was feeling. And it has quietly let this dream to be a nurse come back and stick its head in the door, no longer capped as much by the driving force of Joseph's illness, but remembering instead that I wanted to do this long before Joseph became ill and had written it off as impossible.

The class is familiar and that is helping me too, I admit. There is a LOT of information to be memorized and understood. Having some of it in there already allows me to focus on some of the things that I need clarity on. We are studying blood right now. I continue to struggle with overwhelming emotions as we go through this chapter and I know I will again when we get to the immune system. But for the first time, I have made myself put up a firm hand. It hurts, literally and physically, but I feel so determined. I do not allow myself to process it as it pertains to Joseph, and honestly, I think that is helping with my retention of information. I process it thinking of everyone around me, about my future patients, even my own body. But not what it meant for Joseph's body and not the obvious example of what happens when it doesn't work the way it is supposed to. It is hard. It feels slightly disloyal, but that voice is softer now inside me and easily quieted with a firm No. It is not disloyal. There is not a day, not a minute when he is not with me. I carry him everywhere. Even when I did that physically I didn't spend all my time looking directly at him. He was just there, with me. That is how I try to see my memories and grief now. It is there, with me. I am getting out of my own way and studying these subjects the way they are best studied for the ways that I learn. Obviously by thinking of all we went through, the trauma of that and the desperation lead to exhaustion inside and out and made it difficult. I won't be doing that again, at least not when it is within my control.

I have lost 26 pounds since Thanksgiving as a result of diligent effort to make better food choices and to eat smaller portions. I have a cousin getting married in Nebraska in March and I am hoping to attend the wedding. I would love to do so weighing 30-40 pounds less than I did the last time my family saw me. The gym is a habit I continue to push myself on. I really ought to be going every day and I give in too easily to that inner feeling of "Wahhh, I don't wanna!" Interestingly, I am being more forgiving of myself, but also accepting fewer excuses. I can't explain it, its just a feeling inside me. I tried a different elliptical this morning at the gym than the one I usually use. The one I tried out is more high tech and gives a better workout. Read here: its HARD. I could only go half the distance that the machine I was using before said I went on a regular basis. I will be using the newer one from now on. I felt it more. I am trying hard to build habits that honor who I am as a person, that reflect who I want to be, who I want to present to the world. It feels good. Really, really good.

Joe and I are pondering purchasing tickets to Jimmy Buffett again. We had such fun with it last year. We have decided to go forward with putting the house on the market on Feb 20th and just seeing what comes of it. We are looking for a run down home in a nice neighborhood that we can bring cash to the table and give some love, make it our own. We'll see what happens. The whole thing, frankly, scares me. I love the house we are in now. We both want to move to a better neighborhood and a slightly bigger home. But I tend to get fearful when leaving home for any reason. I am happy there. Happier than I have ever been. I remind myself that is because of who I am, who Joe is, who we are together and how our family life is with the boys. Not the building itself.

So that's it in a nutshell. Nothing earth shattering. Just life going on.

1 comment:

karengberger said...

It's so good to hear your "voice" again. You sound as if you are making fantastic, steady, logical strides in the direction you want to go. I am thrilled for you.
I'm also a home-body, and can see why you would feel anxious about moving, but also why you can go ahead & do it, anyway. You sound as if you have a natural, creative talent at home-making. Maybe that's asking to be used right now?
I love hearing about Joe's unconditional love for you. That's just the best thing in the world, and YOU DESERVE IT!
I am proud of your committment to your own good health. That will positively impact every area of your life, and will make nursing others easier, I would think. Post photos of your progress, if you feel comfortable! You've always been stunningly pretty, in the photos I've seen. I'm so excited for the freedom and sense of honoring yourself that I hear in your words. Sending love to you!