Monday, September 15, 2008

Domestic Havens

Can I be any more cliche? Joe is out cutting the lawn and I am in the kitchen slicing zucchini and peeling whole garlic cloves to make us dinner and I feel so content it is like a wave of warmth singing through me. Feminists everywhere have itchy butts and have no idea why.....I am that fulfilled with my current circumstances.

Everyone is wanting to know how the race went. It went very, very well. Wet, humid, heavy and hard to breathe, but the race happened and Team Joseph received an award for being the top fundraiser for the event. We still got donations up through this morning and are over $6800 at this time. I never in my wildest dreams imagined it would be that much, and Joe admitted to me on the way to the race that he thought I had named an astronomically unlikely amount when I set the goal at $5000. Honesty, I was too. There was no rhyme, reason or plan to that number. We ended the morning at my brother Jeff's house enjoying good barbecue and watching what the very fringes of a dying hurricane look like. It was pretty unimpressive. I throw fits bigger than that.

I came home from there and slept like death for two hours. If the storm had really gotten going I probably could have slept the rest of the afternoon and through the night. I am still exhausted and still having trouble sleeping more than a five hour stretch at a time. I wish that would stop. Now that the race is done and the event has passed, I almost just don't want to think about it, look at it, talk about it. I have been on the verge of sobbing so many times, starting Saturday morning, and if I am going to, I am real okay with that, but I also want to do it at home, alone, with Joe, outside of the rest of my life. I feel like another part of me laid Joseph to rest this weekend, moved him from the physical world and into my heart where he can always be. But people keep asking me how the race was and who showed up and how much money we wound up raising. I am glad they are so interested. I am just wanting to turn my eyes away from it and rest from the emotional toll it took.

I had lunch with my girlfriends yesterday and Joe and I had a couple of very good conversations over the weekend about a number of things. I feel so grateful for those relationships. The seasons are changing...it is cool enough here tonight that I have the A/C off, the windows flung open where the crisp scent of fresh-cut grass fills my spirit with memories of Omaha and a lifetime I have not seen in a long time, a feeling of being very close to recapturing parts of myself I thought had died so long ago. I am happy in a bittersweet, grateful way....like Drambuie or Grand Marnier...sweetness with a burn, yet the burn warms and soothes. It will be fireplace weather in another couple of months, maybe sooner. I am looking forward to that.

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