Monday, January 7, 2008

Cleared slate

Joe had a little minor surgical procedure this morning. I didn't realize how anxious I have been about the whole thing until I could not eat much yesterday and started having severe stomach pain again. It was a tender whimper of a shock when I came into the pre-op room and saw him in a hospital gown hooked up to an IV pole, and when I had to leave as they wheeled him away I felt suspended in air and time. Of course, he managed to bring me back to earth with a laugh, reaching his arm toward me as they wheeled him off and saying "What do I have to do to get you to marry me?!" Ah yes, maybe he should be on Versed more often? I laughingly told him "You have to ASK me!"

Then I went to the car and took myself out to IHOP for breakfast. It was hard to leave but goodness knows experience tells me sitting around biting my nails does nothing but ruin a decent manicure. I had a little cry on the way and then treated myself to all-you-can-eat pancakes, which I was rather vindicated to find that two pancakes are all I can eat, then rather peeved that I had been tricked into spending 50 cents more to have the option of trying to make them run out of pancakes. Its funny how being hungry can make us think that our stomachs will handle more capacity. Wouldn't that make the nightly news? "IHOP Runs Out of Pancakes....Class Action Lawsuit for False Advertising on Horizon". I thought of Joseph as I sat there pushing pancakes down my throat. He loved to go there. He would order scrambled eggs, bacon and silver dollar pancakes, then smoother the whole lot with strawberry syrup :gag:. And, I might add, eat it all. Enthusiastically. Like, the kind of little boy eating in which you just stare at your plate because if you watch you no longer want to eat anything, not just then, but ever again.

My breast biopsy and MRI both are negative, so it looks like all is well on the health front. Joe is doing remarkably well after his surgery and I am not sick. So the slate is wiped clean and I am free to grieve without any major catastrophes hovering on the horizon, something which I am oddly grateful for. Current worries get in the way of dealing with the past. I am taking the day off on Thursday. I don't know yet what I will do with myself. I seem to be spending a lot of time trying not to think about it. But today Joe and I have been very intimate in an emotional sense of the word, and we talked for at least a half hour about him, which is longer than I can usually do without winding up weeping and funky the rest of the day. He reminded me of the things I said in Joseph's eulogy and told me of his impressions of Joseph as a person, and I talked and talked and talked about memories of him from birth to death, so many they cascaded in on me like an avalanche..and it was good. It was peaceful. It was positive. It was happy. It felt wonderful to just talk about him.

So its a peaceful day in all. Joe is doing well, which makes me happier than I can say. I am trying not to hover and not to kiss him too much, but he isn't complaining. Its been a surprisingly close, intimate day.

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