Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Awake, Alone, Not Lonely

Once again I am here before the break of dawn, utilizing these free moments to look back over my life and forward to where I am headed. Purpose drives everything right now and sometimes it feels like the only thing I can recall. I am proud of what I have done since Joseph died, proud of what I am doing, where I am going and why. There is a "hurry hurry hurry" mantra lately, as the road has been twisting and difficult and, to be honest, I just don't feel like working as hard as it is requiring of me right now. But that is okay. It is okay to get tired. I rest a little and go forward in spurts. Stopping is not an option, not because I am brow-beaten, soul-whipped or even particularly strong, but more because this is something I want. Working at the hospital is a joy. It seems like no matter how awful my mood when I go in, I leave a better person and spiritually invigorated. They say that is how you know you are doing what you are supposed to be doing - it feeds you. It makes me contemplate doing other things that cause me anxiety, such as mission work of some sort and continuing on to a more advanced degree. The plan for advancing my degree has already been put in motion. I have been offered an internship on my floor at the hospital for after graduation and the tuition benefits for continuing education are quite good. I am in the habit now of being a student and suspect given my age that stopping and trying to start again would be more difficult than simply continuing onward from the start. I put pressure on myself to get it all done by 2015. Not sure that will really happen. Those are the last years I have while the boys are young and living at home. It is all a trade off. Determining where the importance lies requires self reflection and spiritual contemplation - both things I am better at than I used to be but still not good at on the whole. I am practicing.

In the vein of putting the world to rights and having things as they should be, Joe and I have visited a lawyer and gotten our official wills set into place. The signing was yesterday. This fills me with peace and a quiet sense of satisfaction. My life was full of death for a few years there - losing my Grandpa Reichmuth, then Dad, then Joseph, then Grandpa Huettner, then Grandma Huettner, all within a five year time period, has been quite a force in my life, and having seen how careful, legally binding plans for the inevitable affects those left behind has made this a source of anxiety and need inside me. Finally this burning fear has been put to rest. Joe and the boys will be taken care of if I pass away. I will be taken care of if Joe passes away. All those important documents like Power of Attorney and Medical Directive have been signed and notorized and now all that is left to do is to put the letters for little things and instructions in with the legal documents and find a safe, permanent place to store them. To be sure, it is sobering to see the words "Last Will and Testament of Sheri Marie Sellars" on a document, but satisfying. I have done well enough to have things to take care of and people who need me to do that. That means something to me. It is a kind of thanks to them for being so central in my life. A last deed already set in place. Even in my death I will care for you.

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