Friday, October 8, 2010

Bless Us All, We Made It To Friday

I keep musing on how much I am wishing my life away the last few weeks. Oh please let me just make it to the weekend....oh please just let me survive until the end of the semester....I can't wait until Saturday night....Will Christmas ever get here....? I wonder if that is why I am having so many internal feelings of just being off pace right now? It is not like me since Joseph passed to look away so much from the present. I think maybe I need to work on that more, which will be a challenge. The present is intense and uncomfortable a lot of the time in a lot of areas. I need to rediscover my joy.

One thing that definitely makes me feel pretty darn joyful today is this goofy kitten Joe got me for my recent 40th birthday. I like cats a lot, but having been raised by a farming family, animals never quite take on the level of stature as a lot of people's pets. I will probably (hopefully?) never be the Cat Lady. But I have to admit, this hyper ball of fluff has me bowled over. She is, in fact, the perfect cat. Playful and impish. But cuddly and affectionate. She TALKS to me! If I say her name, she comes running. If I say "Hi!", she has this certain sound she makes that definitely means "Hi!". And if I whisper it, she says it under her breath like she is whispering too. And I am laughing as I type this, because being all about one's pet is just NOT me, or rather, never has been before. She has just brought a lot of cheer into this house. I love hearing the boys laugh at her antics. Alex will laugh to the point of making no sound but a high pitched squeak. And she likes to get into Nick's room and sleep on his pillow next to his head. Alex say he is so happy he can finally say he does have a pet now when people ask him. And Joe, who is often alone during the day while I am off frantically pursuing my life's dream, unfailingly has her on his lap purring away when I get home. It has shown me a side of him I have not gotten to see before - gruff and nurturing. Very sexy.

So Layla (the cat) definitely helps keep me rooted in today. She is a blessing to our family. She is pretty hyper, which is normal for a four month old kitten and I have worries about the Christmas tree this year. Should be interesting.

I think one of the other reasons I am feeling all angsty and discontented inside is the inner sense of coasting. To be honest, I am not working as hard as I could be on school. I search for time to myself and time with my husband and kids and frequently let things go that I probably ought not to in terms of review and reading and in depth studying. Its that ever present struggle to find balance, and the truth is, I am a lazy soul deep inside. I will always flow toward the easiest path. But I am learning, the easiest path doesn't make me happy. I am happiest when I work hard and see results. So this sense of avoiding the hard work is making me fretful. I am doing okay in school but could be doing better. I may challenge myself to put in two weeks of good hard studying of the type I feel I ought to be doing on an idealistic level and see if it nets a better result than I am seeing now.

I am looking forward to some social time this weekend. Mani-pedi with my sister in law, Stacey, then a fancy night out with my husband. Stewart and the boys are headed to Camp Sol, the grief camp we usually attend as a family. I am tossing around some feelings of guilt, as I chose not to go this year, for a couple of reasons. The main one is that an entire weekend away from studying just isn't going to happen at this point in the semester. The other is that as much as I enjoy that time to just focus on Joseph, it is always, always draining emotionally and there is always a recovery period needed, which is additional time I don't have to give it right now.

So there you have it - the dull editorial reporting of the facts of my life. Some day I will get back to being a philosopher. ;)

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