This is one of those days that usual knock me on my ass. After all, it was Joseph who first made me a mother. This year somehow was different. There weren't the quadmire thoughts of grief and regret and remorse; more just an internal sense of gratitude. A good amount of time has been spent on my part dissecting the reasons why this year has been any different, and I have no answers really. I just have a stronger foothold in the sense of carrying him with me. A stronger knowledge perhaps of the frailty of the human body; that none of us get out of here alive maybe? Regardless, I am more at peace.
That being said, I have had a bit too much wine tonight. Finals are tomorrow and to say that I am tense would be an understatement. Nevermind that I have excelled through the semester. Nevermind that I have proven to myself over and over again that I belong here. It is finals week and my self doubt and anxiety are enjoying this special time for celebrating their existance. It is the most wonderful time of the year for mental disorders, finals week. I am not the exception. I am the rule.
Nick chose to cut his hair into military style yesterday. What is perhaps most startling, along with the fact that he is content with it not hanging like a red curtain in his face, is the smile he has been wearing ever since. I would have rather sawed off a toe than to have done something my parents openly wanted me to do at his age. But he saw the benefit for himself in his own goals, and did it, and still let himself revel in the fact that his mother enjoys his nongreasy hair now that it is short enough to maintain with some semblance of personal hygiene.
Alex had a trip to the local water part with his class band this weekend. He didn't do a good job of putting on his sunscreen and is suffering the consequences. Both of them are redheads and I don't know how to get through to them the importance of not getting sunburned without scaring the crap out of them. Even the tops of his feet were sunburned. And his soft, tender earlobes. I can only pray it is its own lesson. Inadequate SPF application = PAIN.
We didn't celebrate much today. Stewart came over last Saturday night and we had dinner together and watched (save me) Dr. Who, which the boys love. Mom and I have plans to stay next Saturday night at a swanky hotel in Frisco and then to indulge on Sunday in spa treatments, shopping and movies while Joe is out golfing. The fact that this is finals week has pushed everything else either early or late and I am lucky to have such an understanding family.
I survived my first semester - at least I ASSUME I did - I don't expect to fail the final. Having the summer off kind of stinks. I would rather keep going. We just now got to where we feel like we have anything to offer to patients in the way of teaching or nursing care. Two and a half months off will be just enough to make us feel inadequate again. But the school has a good reputation and NCLEX pass rate. Time to push the "I Believe" button and let life happen.
I love being a Mom and a woman. I am thankful for the opportunities and blessings both things impart.
Happy Mother's Day everyone.