tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-90832645842743408712012-01-10T15:08:04.738-06:00life after a child diesSherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.comBlogger2701100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-33192983687506212162011-12-19T00:03:00.000-06:002011-12-19T00:03:10.568-06:00

  This is the After. The breathless portion in which I try to assimilate where (who?) I am now. I wish I could say that it really didn't feel all that different despite all the build-up, but honestly it does. I spent my evening playing with Alex on the Wii, getting clobbered and slaughtered and laughing at my ineptitude. It really drives home to me how much it must mean to the boys when I spend

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-25304305496442835352011-12-05T20:32:00.002-06:002011-12-05T21:00:42.686-06:00

When it became apparent there would be no recovery for our Joseph, that the wisest, most compassion course of action would be to turn off the machines that had sustained him for four weeks and let God reclaim his precious soul, we all had to grapple with exactly how to say goodbye. I found myself focused to an extreme on how much he had suffered and how many dreams and goals he had that would

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-56843152627949595102011-12-04T23:20:00.003-06:002011-12-04T23:31:43.398-06:00

I sit tonight and try to think about going to sleep, pondering. Tomorrow morning, at 8:30 AM, I will take my last final exam. Hard work over the last few years has paid off and I would have to make a 33% on the exam to flunk the course, an 83% to raise my grade to the next grade level. That leaves a vast area in between and a large, comfortable gap in which my grade, my GPA and my goals will

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-8855709583173757352011-11-20T08:17:00.001-06:002011-11-20T08:23:10.699-06:00

As graduation from nursing school approaches in three weeks, I find myself becoming more and more neurotic. I have thoughts, actions, even physical feelings in my body that make no sense to me, alarm me, frighten me. Having moved past this blog, having slipped the hands of acute grief and gotten pretty good at bearing up under the everyday weight of it, I am finding it is sharp edged, insipid,

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-3014724660615834642011-11-11T13:33:00.000-06:002011-11-11T13:33:01.994-06:00

If only there were a world like the one in my head. Nobody gains weight. Cookies taste terrible. Appliances work for a lifetime. Vehicles never break down. Carpet releases its stains and never needs replacing. Everyone has warm slipper socks. Christmas never loses its magic. Jobs never go away. Children never get sick. And death comes with poignant dignity fading into a peaceful passage after a

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-19393562236231052232011-05-08T06:29:00.000-05:002011-05-08T06:29:46.626-05:00

Lord, Lord. Make me an instrument of thy peace, Lord. Where there is hatred, let me sow love. Where there is injury, pardon. Where there is doubt, let there be faith. Where there is despair, let there be hope. Where there is darkness, let there be light Where there is sadness, let there be joy. Oh Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console....to be

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-50707175308731027492011-05-08T05:55:00.000-05:002011-05-08T05:55:42.127-05:00

Were all of the four Mothers Days since Joseph died hard for me? I can't remember, which is a little disconcerting. I have been awash in sadness the last few days, with tears easy on the edge of my eyelids and emotions running helter skelter through my attempts to study for finals, which happen tomorrow. I cannot begin to communicate how desperately glad I am that the semester is over, which is

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-88555678047970342522011-04-30T21:03:00.001-05:002011-04-30T21:04:52.344-05:00

Tonight is your prom night. I can almost see you in my mind's eye, tall, slim, handsome, that shy smile that never ever left you. But yet I just can't. I can't see you really, because my mind can only conjecture how puberty would have changed your bone structure, your cheekbones, collarbones, the knobs of your knees and elbows, the spread of your shoulders, the taper of your hips. I have no idea

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-74347247394756768592011-04-21T08:45:00.000-05:002011-04-21T08:45:02.810-05:00

This semester, for whatever reason, has been hard on my self esteem and psychological well being. It has seemed almost as if the design has been to humble me into knowing exactly how much I do NOT know, and perhaps that is the case. There is a saying that there are few things more dangerous than a brand new healthcare provider who is overly confident and full of themselves. Well, I can assure you

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-87904918868706096362011-04-16T17:55:00.000-05:002011-04-16T17:55:10.139-05:00

So I was having a kind of self induced misery kind of day today. The weather outside is about as perfect as it comes - sunny, about 76 degrees, light wind blowing - and because I am the queen of procrastinating (despite the fact that I am doing so much apparently this is a lifelong habit I will have to battle because, you know, that Sheri chick learns almost everything the hard way. Over and over

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-1515903881819139012011-04-13T08:19:00.004-05:002011-04-13T13:32:55.341-05:00

Yesterday was a good day. Well. For me. My clinical instructor had a family emergency that took her out of town unexpectedly, which made us unable to go to the hospital for clinical rotation. I was disappointed to an extent - it was to be my first day in L&D. Instead, we did virtual patients on a computer program up at school. Not nearly as fulfilling, let me tell you. But the up sides were an

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-54596316483677883062011-04-12T05:23:00.005-05:002011-04-12T06:02:41.130-05:00

Once again I am here before the break of dawn, utilizing these free moments to look back over my life and forward to where I am headed. Purpose drives everything right now and sometimes it feels like the only thing I can recall. I am proud of what I have done since Joseph died, proud of what I am doing, where I am going and why. There is a "hurry hurry hurry" mantra lately, as the road has been

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-60948868867898551472011-03-27T23:03:00.002-05:002011-03-27T23:14:07.967-05:00

The night is black and cold, a throwback of winter, reclaiming its fading territory after Spring let it be known she is coming, coming soon. New flower beds grace the front yard, configured from the monstrosities that had been present there, cut down to a managable size. Apparently the builders thought we would do nothing but flower gardening through the hot summer months. The new ones guarantee

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-14146625691505426842011-02-04T10:12:00.003-06:002011-02-04T10:22:05.499-06:00

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful snow. It is coming down in fat white flakes, blanketing the entire world into ethereal silence, softening roughened edges, soothing the earth from its frantic comings and goings, bringing all these struggles to a soft but definitive halt until there is no choice but to pause, and in pausing, see the glory that is the world snowbound and awestruck. I could watch it

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-56086033906107599692011-01-30T20:32:00.002-06:002011-01-30T20:43:34.245-06:00

We have the potential for some very nasty winter weather this coming Tuesday, which is to be my first day of clinicals at Childrens Medical Center. I am glued to weather.com and any other weather report I can get my hands on. You would think I fly a plane for a living, but no. Just my own unique kind of crazy as I sit and pray and pray and pray not just for an icy snow day, but for one that is

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-40827570752795979872011-01-24T20:22:00.002-06:002011-01-24T20:42:47.415-06:00

Joe and I are strong together, almost eerily in sync sometimes, to the point that we can easily lock out the rest of the world and remain hopelessly, perhaps detrimentally, content to homestead down in our lovely home and writhe around in the joys of just being....us. So when we are out of step with one another, it is irritating just in its own right. Its annoying to us both. We are quite used to

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-40223486850123189912011-01-23T00:30:00.002-06:002011-01-23T00:45:42.924-06:00

I am so off my game. Not a tiny bit off, not a bit left of center, but totally on the wrong court kind of off. Needless to say this semester has not started well. I was tardy on the first day of class, which is so unlike me that I feel like I have not gotten my footing beneath me since that day. I thought classes started at 8:30 like they always did last semester, but instead they started at 8:00

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-28429468566651892682011-01-20T13:32:00.003-06:002011-01-20T13:52:28.216-06:00

I do not know what is going on with me this week. I am so scattered, distracted, almost as if I am watching my life through a window...but yet I am in it and don't have the luxury of just watching, because there are things I am supposed to do. And it makes me feel stuck. Frozen. I don't know how to make this make sense. I have a few short hours where I am alone in the house, have time to think

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-71750642245164502332011-01-18T05:09:00.004-06:002011-01-20T13:26:11.972-06:00

I am so similar to Becca in the movie Rabbit Hole. Joe and I went to see it last night and it made me thankful for a lot of things, not the least of which was that the Angelika is apparently not very crowded on a regular old Monday night, because I cried and cried and cried through the film. Her grief resembled mine so much - not a perfect portrait, but many of the same emotions, the same needs,

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-21093218305046699572011-01-06T05:35:00.006-06:002011-01-06T06:20:38.488-06:00

I have not done this in a while. Lately, I have been sleeping oh so very well, tucked in next to my husband, feet intertwined and lullingly content. But the last two nights I have gotten horribly hot and tonight it actually made me feel somewhat nauseated. So I got up and now sit at my desk with my cat curled into me and my space heater on because I am cold. And lazy apparently. I would like some

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-978237992292838392011-01-03T07:45:00.008-06:002011-01-03T08:07:46.334-06:00

Happy New Year - all the holidays are over and life is moving on. It has actually picked up a little bit of speed since all the hullabaloo has passed. Joe and I have made some major furniture purchases for the house and last minute he decided we should take a little trip before I got back to school for the semester - an idea that grew and expanded until our little trip turned into a road trip to

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-19075343589735829282010-12-16T21:18:00.002-06:002010-12-16T21:47:08.163-06:00

Most days that I work at the hospital, I am filled with anxiety, dread and a sense of "don't want to" as I prepare for my day. Days start early - I have to be there by 6:45 AM - and they run long, until 7 PM or later, with only a 30 minute break (and two theoretical 15 minute breaks that just don't happen most of the time). I dread on an intellectual level the kind of work that is done. Cleaning

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-24903414812710857392010-12-12T20:37:00.002-06:002010-12-12T20:47:44.878-06:00

I am not terribly religious. I was watching footage of Elizabeth Edwards, who died this week, and some things she said really struck home for me. One of those was the expression that God is not what she thought He was. That He is a God of salvation and redemption, but that after her son died, she could no longer pray. That He was no longer a God who saved people from their natural fates. Oh yes.

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-72932825432347536122010-11-25T06:40:00.005-06:002010-11-25T08:26:16.943-06:00

It is Thanksgiving Day 2010, and I am a little shocked as I come here to see I have not posted for six weeks. Six weeks! I only have 20 followers and with that sparse of posting it is no wonder!It looks like a real Thanksgiving outside today. I was a little worried, as yesterday we were 20 degrees above normal with a high of 84. It was hot and humid and not ideal for celebrating Fall and the

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-15637858570842010762010-10-08T05:39:00.005-05:002010-10-08T05:56:23.208-05:00

I keep musing on how much I am wishing my life away the last few weeks. Oh please let me just make it to the weekend....oh please just let me survive until the end of the semester....I can't wait until Saturday night....Will Christmas ever get here....? I wonder if that is why I am having so many internal feelings of just being off pace right now? It is not like me since Joseph passed to look

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-71031653509881129002010-10-04T06:07:00.002-05:002010-10-04T06:21:55.217-05:00

Nursing school this semester has been a challenge for me. It is no secret among those who know me well that I am more of a sprinter than a marathon runner when it comes to tough things in life, and I am having to face some of those issues within myself. Right now Christmas of next year seems a LONG way off. The semester was set up oddly and it is taking a toll in terms of my internal anxiety and

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-36776768619143744242010-09-23T21:28:00.002-05:002010-09-23T21:40:50.728-05:00

Team Joseph is this weekend - a 5K that we do to honor his memory, for a charity that helped us more than once while he was ill. I look forward to it every year, but it seems lately like everything I do is a pathological exercise in guilt. I didn't give it a lot of attention this year and we didn't raise anywhere near what I hoped to. And I was hoping for more than 100 team members, but we

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-45133083141493185352010-09-14T20:47:00.003-05:002010-09-14T20:55:59.596-05:00

My head is pounding and my eyes are drooping, but I know that if I don't type tonight, I will be up again at the buttcrack of dawn trying to figure out why I am not sleeping well. Because I'm not. I fall asleep as if sleep were a drug and get about four hours, which is about what my poor mind apparently requires before it shifts back into high gear and bids me rise. Not a good pattern to be in

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-18222320588297160492010-09-08T16:55:00.004-05:002010-09-08T17:22:00.739-05:00

Which would not be this one. No rose scent here...I think the bush died in the summer heat. I think I am into the fertilizer phase of my plant-as-a-symbol-for-life-dream analogy here. Kinda stinks. Kinda smells like poo.Not all THAT much. But I came to realize over the summer of increasing hospital experience that things like drug cards are a whole lot of busy work that actually seems to get more

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-4497124680985714872010-08-31T07:06:00.002-05:002010-08-31T07:12:30.200-05:00

I woke this morning still searching, still praying, still pondering how this day is going to go. And I did a little reading online and found the following blog:http://oncrn.blogspot.com/I am going to add it to my list of favorites along the side.It drove home how much I relate.That I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. And if I wasn't supposed to be here, I wouldn't be. Period.Is this

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-46776146559637122372010-08-30T22:07:00.003-05:002010-08-30T22:14:34.761-05:00

Sometimes it becomes apparently to me that I am on some divine journey. Whether you call it God or Allah or Fate or just choices, sometimes what is happening in my life seems to be something greater than myself. And when I am honest, really really honest, that is what drives me. This sense that I can take all this mess that was cancer and children and mistakes and history and turn it into

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-77717483292854849942010-08-16T15:01:00.003-05:002010-08-16T15:07:58.973-05:00

Dear Cancer,I haven't written to you in a while, but I am aware of you every single day. You have been the personal cause of a great deal of misery in my life and the lives of those I love. Most recently, you have made me pretty short on fuel in the tolerance department and it is causes a bit of strife in my household. It is getting better, because I refuse to let you ruin anything else in my

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-43553651379312227242010-08-11T05:03:00.003-05:002010-08-11T05:28:03.658-05:00

Joe took me to see the new Toy Story movie yesterday. Toy Story III. Oh my. I wept through such a huge part of it, more than is probably "normal" for that flick. It brought back so many things and my heart is just aching, my limbs heavy, my mind fuzzy. Andy, the boy in the film, is pretty much exactly Joseph's age. We were addicted to the first two movies; Joseph had the Buzz Lightyear that made

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-49810162829007297552010-07-31T06:06:00.003-05:002010-07-31T06:29:47.277-05:00

My poor Joe isn't feeling well. He has caught a virus and sniffles and snuffles something fierce. At 5:30 this morning was ready for some more ibuprofen. I was awake anyway, so I brought it to him with some juice and tucked him in good, then wandered down here for some precious solitude. I really do love my alone time, which always feels a tad selfish when I think about it. I don't know why I

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-36886379089733387732010-07-30T10:48:00.003-05:002010-07-30T11:01:37.151-05:00

Today my attention was drawn to an article that evokes a very passionate response in me. It embodies all the reasons I want to go into oncology and hospice; it draws attention to some issues that directly impacted our family when Joseph was failing. It is an article in The New Yorker magazine by Dr. Atul Gawande regarding hospice and end of life decision making.I am almost tripping over myself in

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-64664211051263915232010-07-19T03:32:00.005-05:002010-07-19T05:39:26.835-05:00

Oh man. It is one of those up in the middle of the night kind of things, aching, hurting, questioning and guilty. The sadness has been with me a couple of days now after writing Joseph's story out for Heroes For Children. He's an Honored Hero this year for their 5K fundraiser in September and they wanted his story for their website. Joseph's picture is up there as well. All of this makes me very

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-90138168881800617062010-06-26T06:33:00.002-05:002010-06-26T07:04:39.529-05:00

I have been restless - caught in an ebb and flow of emotion that is never truly still. It feels as if I ride a rollercoaster of adjustment as the inner workings of this journey through grief twists and turns down new avenues. It is apparent to me now that much of my grief has been distracted by my schooling, that I have put it away in the name of achievement. I am not unhappy that I have done

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-73477421409897142862010-06-10T05:48:00.003-05:002010-06-10T07:32:17.830-05:00

I am in a period of intense adjustment now. School is out for the summer; I am so proud of how I did and cannot say enough how good nursing school has been for me. There has been a light of hope and purpose inside me since starting nursing school that I have never known, even long before Joseph's illness. There just is no substitute for the mental wellness that comes with working hard toward a

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-48369617233516840762010-05-09T21:36:00.003-05:002010-05-09T21:46:51.637-05:00

This is one of those days that usual knock me on my ass. After all, it was Joseph who first made me a mother. This year somehow was different. There weren't the quadmire thoughts of grief and regret and remorse; more just an internal sense of gratitude. A good amount of time has been spent on my part dissecting the reasons why this year has been any different, and I have no answers really. I just

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-50647499083090412092010-05-02T22:22:00.003-05:002010-05-02T22:33:07.526-05:00

Tomorrow is the day I have been dreading all semester. It is our last day of lecture for this semester, and the topic is going to be "Death and Dying". And while everyone is listening to the physiology of death and the physical changes of dying, I will be sitting there with my mental images, having watched the changes take place in my once dynamic and engaging son. As they talk about the emotions

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-66626111683467320142010-04-18T15:12:00.002-05:002010-04-18T15:26:52.523-05:00

Joe has gone to Indianapolis to visit his newest granddaughter, Ms. Lucy Mae, who was born last weekend. I am wishing I could have gone with him. The relationship I am forming with his daughter is rich, deep and fulfilling and completely unexpected. I had no anticipation that we would ever be close. I wasn't opposed to it, I just felt it unfair to put that expectation on a child. It is one of

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-61161783333223103072010-04-06T17:36:00.005-05:002010-04-06T18:40:41.001-05:00

There's been a niggling darkness with me today. School took a more complicated hop, anticipated and known, but now reality as we get to the threshhold of what some might call "the basics" and peer over the precipice that leads into the vast ocean of "real nursing". In other words, we are having our skills exam on medication administration next week. It makes my mouth go dry. I gave my first

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-26813605511956531592010-04-02T07:02:00.004-05:002010-04-02T07:22:12.983-05:00

The birds are singing this morning with raucous enthusiasm. It has been warm the last few days with gusty winds that whip and moan around the house and burst inside with the breath of spring, stirring the curtains and my spirit. The wind is something I never understand - why it is so gentle one day, so violent the next and what makes it move the way that it does. I am sure with a bit of study I

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-3852952007500706922010-03-30T19:11:00.004-05:002010-03-30T19:38:29.311-05:00

I want so badly to write, and I have so many things to write about. I have avoided doing this, as I almost do not know what to say that doesn't sound repetitive and almost giddy with blessings. I am so thankful to be pursuing something as important as what I am doing. I am so thankful to finally, FINALLY have a place in my heart and in my life with so much purpose and clarity. I struggled

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-90037736889386928702010-03-05T08:53:00.006-06:002010-03-05T09:22:20.655-06:00

Yesterday I spent my clinical day in "therapeutic communication" (that's fancy nursing speak for listening) with an individual who has ALS. I was shadowing a nurse on the floor and this individual picked me out of the flutter around them and began to talk...and talk...and talk. This seems to happen frequently as I meet and interact with patients at the hospital and I am not experienced enough yet

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-22225249020260563812010-02-19T06:30:00.002-06:002010-02-19T07:02:30.590-06:00

I was looking at pictures of Joseph this morning. It wasn't a premeditated move; every now and then I just get drawn to him and need to see him again. I am so busy since nursing school started that it doesn't happen often anymore. I can almost give a wry smile, feeling the wave of disbelief hit me anew. Somewhere in me, I still can't believe he is gone. I love his face. I really miss his smile.

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-28404180979264348092010-02-12T11:37:00.003-06:002010-02-12T11:53:21.830-06:00

I am so engrossed. All I think about, dream about, focus on is school. We have started going to the hospital for clinical rotations....the newest of the new of health care providers, unable to do much more than take blood pressures and temperatures, to lend a listening ear and document what we hear, change linens and help people out of bed. So much lies ahead that it is almost unfathomable to me,

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-38365340596866680362010-02-03T07:10:00.006-06:002010-02-03T21:25:37.141-06:00

I am having the time of my life. Every day I leave school with deep, rich waves of contentment moving through my spirit, like a river of chocolate. I am not sure I have ever experienced anything this satisfying before. It is a crazy world and our learning is just beginning, but the sense of purpose and belonging as I begin to get to know my classmates, my instructors and myself is intense. I am

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-11491390280411734202010-01-15T09:04:00.002-06:002010-01-15T09:13:16.356-06:00

I wanted this so badly and I worked so tenaciously to have it. Since Joseph died, nothing has occupied my thoughts more than this goal. And now that it is here and I have been accepted, now that I start nursing school next week, I feel almost paralyzed inside. I have images through my head like a slideshow, full of hope, full of memories and full of hesitation. I have lived enough between the day

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-34196654135662392172010-01-10T15:42:00.008-06:002010-01-10T15:58:34.324-06:00

I have got nothing on my mind.Nothing to remember.Nothing to forget.And I have got nothing to regret.But I am all tied up on the insideand no one knows quite what I have got.And I know that on the outsidewhat I used to be, I'm notanymore.You know, I have heard about people like mebut I never made the connection.They walk one road to set them freeand find they have gone the wrong direction.But

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-68096820380633192852009-11-26T05:08:00.003-06:002009-11-26T07:50:17.811-06:00

Here we are again friends, early in the morning on a holiday in the dark whisper of dawn, the world tiptoe on the precipice of family joy. I have my cup of coffee with it's delightful mint chocolate creamer, a treat for me in my solitude, the house filling with amazing scents that harken back to times before my conscious mind can construct a solid memory. This has been a year of blessing for me.

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-72214794638410671422009-09-26T06:29:00.005-05:002009-09-26T07:15:37.110-05:00

Happy birthday to me. Today, my friends, is my birthday. 39 years. I had no idea I would live this long nor experience the things that I have in my life. Heck, when I thought of 39 as a teen and young adult, that pretty much sounded like someone rolling off the end of the conveyor belt. I had no idea I would feel this good at 39, that I would still feel so young. That 39 would not be too late to

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-9246631447253319592009-09-25T05:14:00.003-05:002009-09-25T05:29:47.543-05:00

Andrew Kippley died today. It is only 5 in the morning, so some time in the last five hours, he breathed his last breath and flew from this world of suffering. He was truly an amazing young man, just 16 years old. I am awash in sorrow for his mother, my friend, Amber and awash with my own helplessness.Increasingly newly bereaved parents contact me, reaching out in desperation for a voice that

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-2745255575524957242009-07-24T06:47:00.003-05:002009-07-24T06:53:58.007-05:00

I look for rivers of moving water, for words and contemplation that find and tickle my own. My voice has gone quiet, hiding, rabbit-like in stillness behind the boulder that is the weight of my life and my fear. Somehow through all this time and these places I have stopped listening inwardly to anything but the most gutteral cries - the weeping and celebrating of a hundred different kinds of

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-14730104493987613012009-07-22T22:13:00.002-05:002009-07-22T22:28:16.874-05:00

It would appear I have decided to live. This may come as a silly statement out of the blue in this way, when I have not been writing much and life itself has surrounded me so completely. I know I have given a good impression of strength and determination many times on this blog, but let me tell you, it is far from a constant feeling. I think often times the things I have said here that sound

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-37935857711951077462009-07-08T21:31:00.003-05:002009-07-08T21:43:22.822-05:00

Nick looked so tall when he got into the car this evening after I picked him up from his Dad's. His shoulders are starting to broaden and he has that lanky look now of a teenaged boy who is changing rapidly. It makes me sad. It makes me proud. He continues to be a sensitive soul and I continue to wish I were more in tune with that when it really counts. Sometimes I feel as if I am eaten alive by

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-35054917006445904872009-07-02T15:26:00.002-05:002009-07-02T15:46:23.761-05:00

Alexander is fine. More than fine. No sign of recurrence. Absolutely no sign, still, that anyone was ever digging around in his brain for 14 hours straight. He has no deficits of any sort and does not have to return to the neuro-oncologist for another year. And thus, again, I can breathe. It is impossible though to go into that hospital, into the childhood cancer clinic and not become immersed

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-28869555805843477452009-07-02T05:41:00.002-05:002009-07-02T05:50:03.427-05:00

Alex has his yearly appointment with Dr. Sacco, his neurooncologist at Children's Medical Center, this morning. I had managed to put it completely out of my mind with everything else going on in the world right now, so it hit me like a gut-snap during the day yesterday. There are just so many factors that make it unnerving, probably the largest of course is the potential to find out his tumor has

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-29490633659773701372009-06-24T08:35:00.003-05:002009-06-24T09:15:55.230-05:00

*pause for dramatic build up*So!Joe has asked me to be his bride. And I have, of course, accepted him. And we are both pretty happy about that! It will be wonderful to make the life we already live together a legal thing and to have just one day that we can celebrate the happiness we have found in one another with those who love us. We are planning a very low key affair, small, sometime in

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-85870026737099207402009-06-11T09:00:00.002-05:002009-06-11T09:08:19.383-05:00

I was reading the journal of another mother who lost a child to cancer this morning. She spoke in it of coming to a startling conclusion...that she has to remember to be happy. The grief is always there; it has become the foundation, and she was reminding herself to remember to seek out happiness and joy. I do not think I necessarily have trouble being happy but there are definitely times (

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-87102874851037424142009-06-10T08:34:00.002-05:002009-06-10T08:45:56.634-05:00

Summer is really here! It has gotten fairly hot out rather rapidly for having had such a mild spring. For a while there I wondered if the Texas heat was actually going to make an appearance this year. Of course, I need not have wondered. It is here, as expected. Nick and Alex are leaving late on Saturday evening (they pull out at 9 PM) with the Scouts to spend a week at Scout Camp in Colorado. I

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-4013891757986153092009-06-04T05:36:00.006-05:002009-06-04T08:21:21.838-05:00

I think my reading audience has dwindled from the 1000+ I had while Joseph was ill to a scant maybe 15 or 20 at this point. I just don't feel that urge to write very much anymore, or at least not as much to write about my grief. Perhaps this is a time of redefinition where I can rediscover the ironies and humors inherent in life and start practicing harder letting all the angst and sorrow become

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-25610533729439026512009-05-25T07:11:00.007-05:002009-05-25T08:02:48.621-05:00

I have been feeling pretty locked up the last few days. Joseph's 16th birthday is tomorrow, and for about a week now it has been slowly migrating into my chest and settling in there. The physical nature of grief doesn't frequently hit me anymore, so that when it does, it takes me by surprise and just exhausts me inside and out. I have had my share of tears, of wondering, of anger. I have also had

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-66889332971671066272009-05-10T05:08:00.003-05:002009-05-10T17:45:27.143-05:00

I take a deep breath this morning. I am up early, a half hour earlier than usual. There is so much on my mind that rest seems almost impossible. This house is officially under contract and only something major and untoward will derail its sale now. And yesterday we entered the option period on a new home of our own, probably about one mile from where we live now, in a newer neighborhood, a newer

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-26599119127250691092009-05-05T07:10:00.003-05:002009-05-05T07:22:49.027-05:00

We sold the house this weekend. It was on the market technically two days and we had two offers in. The realtor for our buyer came by last night to drop off earnest money and stayed and chatted for a while. My ego was loving all the accolades being given about how nice the house is - the beauty of the wood floors, the lushness of the backyard, the gorgeous upgrades we did in the bathrooms.

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-16217153818713175622009-04-28T22:01:00.006-05:002009-04-28T22:39:26.787-05:00

I spend so much time here focusing on Joseph and his cancer journey, his death, my loss. I often get people who ask me how I can hang onto hope. They don't know how I do it. They could never be as strong as me. They could never handle it if that happened to their child. I have to say, when my head isn't necessarily in the right place and I am not feeling charitable (because usually I DO

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-26826387594436640792009-04-26T07:00:00.005-05:002009-04-26T07:53:26.571-05:00

Closets can become a very intimidating thing for anyone who has lost someone close to them, but perhaps most so for a parent who has lost a child. And one cannot move from a home without having to do a fair amount of closet cleaning and organizing, first for the sale of the home and then for the move itself. Needless to say, there's been a fair amount of closet cleaning in my life these days. I

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-61752973978210415032009-04-20T05:43:00.004-05:002009-04-20T06:10:38.695-05:00

I have never been a cereal eater. My stomach, which continues to have a real affinity for pretty much any kind of food, will tolerate its consumption readily enough but my sense of what is and is not food gets tangled up in what I refer to as "the mush factor". This basically refers to the fact that cereal turns to goo about four minutes after pouring the milk and that I find this disgusting. I

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-73444554163545873922009-04-12T11:09:00.003-05:002009-04-12T11:38:20.791-05:00

Dear Joseph,Here we are, our third Easter without you. It doesn't feel very Easter-ish today with the rain, the chill and the blustering, howling wind. But it is a day of renewal nonetheless and a reminder of why I believe I will see you again. How do they celebrate Easter in heaven?I wonder now how interested you would be in all this Easter Bunny traditional stuff. I suspect you would still

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-40517839847327273882009-04-11T07:05:00.003-05:002009-04-11T07:21:56.637-05:00

So I am doing my usual thing, up early, before anyone else, where I can enjoy my thoughts and activities in solitude, without interruption and without having to give any attention at all to anyone else. I love this time of day. One of my favorite parts is making the coffee for Joe and I. Its a tender thing, a sweetly submissive gesture of love and caring that I make most every day, but on

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-64817514320704397142009-04-10T06:35:00.004-05:002009-04-10T06:51:57.126-05:00

Here we are in April and it is Good Friday. I wish I spent more time on spiritual matters. I have taken to quiet little prayers more often lately, slightly more formal than my usual ethereal means of sending thoughts out into the Universe and hoping they get picked up somewhere by a loving God. I can absolutely consume my own mind with worry and as such turn myself into a neurotic without meaning

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-48055716765057371082009-04-03T14:03:00.000-05:002009-04-03T14:04:29.848-05:00

"It's so difficult to let you go Though death's left us no other choice We're mourning the loss of never seeing you again Of never hearing your precious voice It seems that in life there are certain timesWhich are more than "simply unfair" When our hearts search out for better answers But cannot seem to find them there And such is the case at your passingContemplating the briefness of your

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-54477418415113726922009-03-30T22:19:00.004-05:002009-03-30T22:50:31.304-05:00

I think I am avoiding coming here. I am blogging in my mind constantly but when it comes to making time to sit down and write it out for real, I find a hundred other things to do and focus on. I don't know...sometimes I wonder if I am only capable of intense creativity when things are going poorly. And though it is not ideal in many ways right now, its not going poorly enough to push me to the

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-19708462477394150452009-03-17T22:21:00.002-05:002009-03-17T22:29:23.000-05:00

Its interesting how in time, after enough losses, the unresolved or just intense emotions about one bleeds readily into another. Yesterday was just a hard day all the way around. I think its finally sunk in that I am not going back to my old job. Its hard to go from a position where I was sure of myself, well liked, respected in my craft and in general competent, confident, well compensated and

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-34527405664053448242009-03-15T19:14:00.003-05:002009-03-15T19:40:41.905-05:00

I do not want the weekend to end. The world has evolved and changed so much over the past month. Can it be a month already since I was laid off from Cooper Clinic? My life looks and tastes strange to me since the New Year, when everything seemed to toss up into the air and fall willy nilly out of place, leaving us to pick through the punctuation points, like putting a room back to rights after a

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-50922311371180507822009-03-05T21:25:00.002-06:002009-03-05T21:34:15.517-06:00

Stewart, the boys and I are leaving tomorrow to spend the weekend together at Camp Sol, a grief support group for families who have suffered the death of a child. We went last year and it was intense, draining and healing. In a sense, I kind of dread it, but mostly, I am anticipating it. I am ready. I have not had a lot of energy to spare for my memories these last two months and very little time

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-66436529639125212572009-03-03T05:44:00.002-06:002009-03-03T06:11:41.873-06:00

I made it through the first day, though I confess it was a LONG one. I like the office and the girls working there. I like the Dad doctor. I will meet the son tonight at their weight loss surgery seminar, which they do every two weeks. I may be at those on a regular basis or I may not. It depends on how they decide to finalize my compensation as either salary or hourly. I am just kind of letting

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-13201664224090593242009-03-02T07:07:00.002-06:002009-03-02T07:26:05.192-06:00

I don't think I came back to report here that I got the job and that I am starting today. Its a good thing. I know it is. And I am excited about the position, working with bariatric surgery patients. But I dreamed last night that I went in to the Cooper Clinic again to work, and that my office area had been turned into a day care center, so I sat down in there. Nobody had any kids to bring but

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-46514555762013787612009-02-22T07:45:00.002-06:002009-02-22T07:58:44.822-06:00

So far I am up alone, with all my menfolk still tucked cozily in bed. The usual scent of coffee hovers, which I enjoy almost as much as the taste. I love being alone and have a great need for it right now. I want rumination, silence, nothing interrupting me, time to just move with whim and personal will, time to write. I always treasure my early mornings where I am alone and the house is quiet.

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-28151266194719544962009-02-21T07:34:00.003-06:002009-02-21T08:02:33.421-06:00

I am so up and down. Yesterday was a good day. I went back to Cooper to turn in the legal documents that let me get my severance package. I was greeted with hugs and smiles. I turned in my fancy gold name badge and the operations manager (who personally hired me) put it in her desk and told me she would not be taking my name off it, that she looked forward to being able to hand it back to me one

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-30919182283042013012009-02-20T08:16:00.003-06:002009-02-20T08:51:54.590-06:00

This isn't so bad really. Not at all actually. I miss my job, but moreso I miss my co-workers, who I never really thought of as co-workers. They were friends. The good news is, friends are portable. They can still be my friends even if I don't share an office with them anymore. I'll probably see if some want to do lunch or something next week.I have been gratifyingly popular so far in the open

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-23553814564789217642009-02-19T03:14:00.004-06:002009-02-19T03:40:45.343-06:00

Well, it happened. It has not exactly been a secret that the clinic was struggling and I have acknowledged to myself and to Joe many times since last October that lay-offs could potentially happen in the future. So when they called me up the day before yesterday and let me know my job position along with 10 others had been eliminated (including a physician), it wasn't exactly a surprise, but it

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-49072922238586205192009-02-11T16:15:00.004-06:002009-02-11T16:47:36.223-06:00

I have never really pondered the meaning of the word. As a wordsmith, the various potential contexts for its use come to me almost like a whisper, sentences fusing together and flitting like smoke through my thoughts and my soul with no meaning, no context...just the joy of putting words together and making sounds that conduct emotion. A hobby of mine that I can do with pretty much any word or

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-48876742386553725742009-02-08T06:49:00.003-06:002009-02-08T07:03:46.768-06:00

Ahhh, now this is more like it! The weather has been so much warmer and we slept with the windows open last night. I love airing the house out and it smells fresh in here. Now that the coffee is done, I can smell it so much more clearly. I am very ready for spring. The changing from chill to warmth never fails to lift my spirits and fill me with energy. Its a good thing too. Alexander's room got

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-33668540854509305592009-02-06T05:21:00.003-06:002009-02-06T05:34:45.487-06:00

Winter will be lost for a while this weekend and I admit I have no desire to go look for it. Temps are supposed to crawl into the low 70s, which will make good weather for getting the house ready to sell. It is supposed to list on the 20th of February. We're watching for this potential 15K tax credit to pass through congress and keeping our fingers crossed for the purchase of a new home. Its been

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-55433854410341646452009-02-04T11:50:00.004-06:002009-02-04T12:19:40.738-06:00

I am in another silent phase, obviously. My internal voice does speak to me and there have been a few times I have had the urge to write but not been in a place or situation where I could, whether from atmosphere or proximity to my computer. I dislike missing those opportunities. It never fails that the wind that was blowing within blows away completely if I don't honor it right when it happens.

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-74686760813534812952009-01-23T15:01:00.005-06:002009-01-23T15:43:52.282-06:00

As Valentine's Day is coming (which also happens to be Alexander's 11th birthday), I suppose this is the ideal time to expose one the most vulnerable parts of my personality as my mind turns to hearts and flowers. Of course, anyone who knows me well knows this isn't exactly something I keep hidden. I am a steadfast, faithful, unshakable, pathetic romantic. I am far and away too easy to please,

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-56750398640893115482009-01-16T05:47:00.003-06:002009-01-16T06:04:03.775-06:00

Things are going okay. After the shock settled down, Joe and I have come together peacefully and with optimism. He has a few leads in the market place and though we know it will take some time, we (he in particular really) have planned for this and lived our lives rather frugally. We enjoy a standard of living that puts us well below our means - we pay cash for cars, have no credit card debt and

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-65742364828488807602009-01-13T06:04:00.001-06:002009-01-13T06:04:23.881-06:00

An old fried whom I recently got back in touch with sagely noted that life is full of many New York minutes over the span of 20 years, and I have to say I agree. Things have been fairly calm for a while for us, but the ebb and flow of the universe has caught up with us I guess and this crumbling economy has come to visit our home. Joe was laid off yesterday.We knew it was a possibility, but had

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-27900630367558638882009-01-10T07:13:00.000-06:002009-01-10T07:14:44.325-06:00

Dear Joseph,Two years have gone by since your father and I made the most difficult decision a parent could ever have to make, when we turned those blasted machines off and surrendered to the reality that we lacked the ability to heal your sick and broken body. I grow a little more peaceful with that decision every day, though I admit saying it directly to you here in this letter still draws up a

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-37564557305241073532009-01-09T12:04:00.001-06:002009-01-09T12:04:16.772-06:00

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-4558883914959104392009-01-08T16:25:00.001-06:002009-01-08T16:27:44.649-06:00

So I am looking for something for Joe and I to do on Saturday night. We enjoy live music, a place to have a few drinks and maybe some dancing. I am reading about a bar that sounds promising, but every single review sounds something like this:Great looking bar on the inside, but that's about it. This is definitely an older crowd's bar. We were there on a Tues night and some live band was playing

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-76505931940680912792009-01-07T13:10:00.002-06:002009-01-07T13:24:37.394-06:00

I just feel so scattered and lost right now. I have long moments when I am not so much overwhelmed with pain as I am a sense of incredulity and a feeling of seeing the world through a Coke bottle. Things are fuzzy until right up close and then seem out of context because I wasn't paying attention. My motivation at work is down; things are slow, looks like lay-offs might be coming in the future.

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-8684744359180119252009-01-04T21:43:00.001-06:002009-01-04T21:43:29.987-06:00

I have to confess, it is getting very heavy. Weighing me down. Pressing into my chest and catching in my throat. This is the saddest walk, the hardest part. This sweet, sorrowful journey, this last week leading up to Joseph's death. I lost count of how many times I found myself in tears today. I was impatient with Nick and Alex, their playfulness and exuberance interrupting too many thoughts of

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-57554663609418406442009-01-02T06:19:00.002-06:002009-01-02T06:22:12.852-06:00

My bitty guys are back with me again and I am happy. They got electric scooters for Christmas and are chomping at the bit to ride them. I have them charged but need to adjust the brakes and put air in the tires still. I continue to question my sanity in choosing these for them. I was motivated purely by the desire to give them a gift they didn't think they would really ever get. I made us all

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-79055818183626742932008-12-31T06:35:00.001-06:002008-12-31T06:43:50.430-06:00

I poured myself a cup of coffee this morning and then proceeded to sit here without taking a single drink prior to its getting cold because I forgot I had done it.I sit here within the yearly mess that fleetingly makes one wonder why putting up Christmas decorations is worth it. I got most of them down yesterday, including the tree and now my living room looks as if it forgot to put on its pants.

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-62396786039685181942008-12-26T07:37:00.002-06:002008-12-26T07:42:46.932-06:00

It is all over for another year. I have always hated the end of Christmas...its so loud and colorful. So all emcompassing. And when it ends, its so silent, and the grayness of the world shows itself so devastatingly fast. And I am never sure which part was real, the colors or the gray beneath it. It was always that way for me. This has a whole new flavor now, this my second year without Joseph.

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-40186124707303736412008-12-19T21:19:00.001-06:002008-12-19T21:19:20.777-06:00

This is it...the beginning of the most exciting time before Christmas. If you ask Alex how many days he can practically answer down to the second. How I am going to miss this. He is my youngest. I cannot expect the magic and wonderment to last many more years I suspect. We had our annual viewing of The Polar Express tonight. I made popcorn the old fashioned way in a kettle on the stove tonight.

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-46889151262826100722008-12-17T14:31:00.001-06:002008-12-17T14:31:48.501-06:00

Every so often, particularly this time of year I notice, I get entranced with seeking out the latest research on Joseph's type of cancer. The very names ot the types of chemotherapy take me back...words we tossed around as if they were a part of every family's diet....etoposide, Mitox, Ara-C, myeloablasion, CNS involvement, prognostic indicator, Inversion 16. It is odd to feel the tinge of

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9083264584274340871.post-19488662544883621012008-12-12T05:59:00.000-06:002008-12-12T06:00:02.742-06:00

Joe-Gi died just after Christmas time, and spent his final Christmas on this earth in a drug induced coma on a ventilator at the hospital. We still had words of hope from the doctors at that point, and we kept his wrapped gifts and his stocking, praying for the day he would be able to wake up and breathe on his own again and he could open all of his gifts, which were plentiful, sent from across

Sherihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16523200407409657856noreply@blogger.com0